Heart of Hard Flesh

I am struggling. I’m not perfect by any means. Nor do I ever wish to be perfect. Perfection is a very difficult standard to live up to. Only one being on earth was ever perfect, God’s Son, Jesus Christ. Perfect is boring and I loathe boring.

I am not ready to discuss what I’m struggling with. It’s very personal and I’m still reeling from the situation. Right now, I just want to pray that God will give me perspective. I am trying to understand some things and I am hoping that the situation will be resolved in the future. I have no idea what the future holds. All I know is that for the last few weeks, I’ve been praying for something to be removed from my mind and my heart. I’ve asked for a guarded heart. Sadly, I’ve asked for a heart of stone. Bear in mind, the situation I’m struggling with is extremely painful for me. It happened at the worst time, in the midst of a severe depression and took me to the brink of suicide. I was rejected by someone I deeply loved, cared for, and trusted. My heart was wide open. Perhaps that was my first mistake after 30 years of having walls around my heart. My heart was put into a blender and pulsed into oblivion.

I felt worthless. I felt insignificant. I felt unwanted. In my mind, I had no value. I was unimportant and I didn’t matter to anyone. Rejected. Abandoned. Hopeless. Degraded. Destroyed. Stabbed. Cast aside. Dejected. Trashed.  Thrown away like a used garbage plate trash.

I felt unloved.

I cried for several days. I still cry.  I may never get over this situation. Only God can heal my heart. But, I want a heart of stone. I want a heart that will never be broken again. I would deny myself if that’s what it takes. During the process of this situation, I have torn myself apart. Degraded myself and self-worth. Honestly, I know where these thoughts come from and they certainly do not come from God Himself. It’s all Satan and his vainglorious attempts to take me to the depths of hell. That’s one place I have no desire to be. However, it feels like that living on earth sometimes; hell on earth. It comes from being imperfectly perfect.

I still want a heart of stone. I do not ever want to be rejected by another person ever again. I refuse to trust. I refuse to love. Yes, my stubbornness is coming out. In reality, the only being I want my heart soft for is God and Jesus.

“And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” – Ezekiel 36:26

Father, please don’t.

My walls are back up and right where they should be. I should never have taken them down. I had prayed about it when I first did; at that moment, everything was secure and I felt safe. I no longer feel safe. I no longer trust anyone. I no longer love.

It took me a few days to shake what I was feeling about myself. I needed to see myself through God’s eyes and not another human’s. God doesn’t make mistakes; People make mistakes. I made a mistake in trusting and believing. It feels like it was all a game. I hope it was worth it. While I am feeling the loss, in the end, I know who I am and only God’s opinion of me is what matters.

I still want that heart of stone.

“His heart is hard as a stone, hard as the lower millstone.” – Job 41:24

It’s the only way I will get through this season. Perhaps even the rest of my days.

Here’s the good news for me…

I know I am loved. I am loved by the One who gives UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. You don’t have to love me. In fact, at times, I really don’t want anyone’s love. Not because I don’t think I don’t deserve it but rather, it might be a waste of time for you as I won’t reciprocate it. Unrequited love is the worst possible thing on earth. To love someone who doesn’t love you back is just awful.

Just called me “Elsa”, the Ice Queen. Oh yes, I’ve been called that many times. One person said I was one of the most “uncaring, unloving, beautiful women” he had ever met. Good. Now let’s get back to it.

I know in God’s eyes, I am worthy. He wouldn’t have sent Jesus to die on the cross for me if I wasn’t worthy of something. I am important. Every one of God’s children has a purpose on this earth, during this temporal existence. I have value. The Proverbs woman is worth more than rubies and so am I. I’ve never been rejected by God. Not once. He’s been waiting while I’ve rejected Him.  I’ve rejected Him a LOT! I don’t have to be perfect to have God’s perfect love.

One thing I’ve learned is that I do not have to trust or believe anyone but God. I will have my heart of hard flesh once again.

You Say – Lauren Daigle

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know (ooh oh)

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe (I), oh I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe

The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me
In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity, (ooh oh)

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe (I), oh I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
Oh, I believe

Taking all I have and now I'm laying it at Your feet
You have every failure God, and You'll have every victory, (ooh oh)

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe (I), oh I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe

Oh I believe (I), yes I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
Oh I believe (oh)

 

Beauty is in the Eyes

Actually, true beauty is found in the heart.  It’s the one place where the Spirit of God lives. If the Spirit is not in our hearts, then how we appear to others may not be attractive.  Does that really matter? Does how I look on the outside really, truly matter to people? I’m not huge on wearing makeup daily or having the latest fashions. How important is that?

It never ceases to amaze me how much society values outer beauty. Take Hollywood for instance. Every year, People Magazine produces a “beautiful people” issue. The front cover displays the “most beautiful” person with a blurb on the inside of the magazine about why they were chosen for this descriptive title. What makes that person really more beautiful or attractive than say, someone like me? I won’t compare myself to the celebrities in Hollywood. I’m not them and they’re not me.  I used to idolize the women of Hollywood. I wanted to be an actress at one point in my life. The problem was that I never felt I could measure up to the societal standards that Hollywood set. I was never outwardly pretty enough. My thighs are too thick and my stomach isn’t flat.

Funny, that stuff doesn’t matter to God.

“But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” – 1 Samuel 16:7

God’s looking at my heart. He sees the beauty on the inside of me; the beauty that I am cultivating with His help. Think about it for a moment… What is attractive about a person’s outward appearance if they are mean, rude, crass, and volatile in spirit? What is manifested in the heart, shines on the outside.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,” – Galatians 5:22

I cannot say enough about how God wants our hearts. He has my heart. My desire is to be the fruit of the Holy Spirit, becoming love, joy, peace, patience, and all those other things that come from believing in Christ’s atonement. When others look at me, I don’t want them to notice that I’m not wearing makeup or a trendy pair of jeans. I want them to see my smile and the way my eyes light up at acknowledging their presence. I don’t need compliments from men about my looks or my body.  Oh my gosh! At work, we utilize surveys to improve our customer service. Several weeks ago, there was a comment directed towards me. It was sexual in nature, discussing my “luscious breasts”. I was horrified! I was not viewed as a medical professional but rather as a sexual object. I felt degraded and dirty. I dress modestly, especially at work. My body is not on display to lure or entice the sexual appetite of others. That particular comment scared me. It made me wonder what I was doing wrong. Luckily, I have a boss who does not allow any of the women to be disrespected in that manner. He’s quick to step up to the plate and immediately asked our regional manager to look into the comment. Our corporate office has since removed the comment and that particular patient was transferred elsewhere.

I’ve never really thought I was pretty until the last 10 years. I thought I was okay looking and I used sarcastic humor to attract others. Never felt gorgeous or that I lived up to Hollywood standards. It was a blow to my self-esteem for many years. Now, I don’t particularly care if others find me attractive. I know I’m beautiful. On the inside. Where it COUNTS! I’ve never had a consistently ugly personality, thankfully. I know several women who are pretty on the outside but the minute their mouths open, the ugliness spews forth.

“likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire,” – 1 Timothy 2:9

I wish I could say that I truly didn’t care about my looks. I don’t to a degree. I’ve decided that I’m reserving my physical appearance for the man God needs me to have according to His will. On occasion I’ll wear makeup. I might even do my hair or wear a dress and heels. For now, I’ll wear the beauty of God’s Spirit, which is in me.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I understand that it is my heart that makes me beautiful. I must give credit to You and Your Holy Spirit which dwells in me. Please help me to let the wondrous beauty of who You are shine on the outside. Please continue to fill me with Your fruits and help me to cultivate them. My desire is to bring forth the characteristics of Christ in all I do, so that others may see You as the Creator of all things.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Living a Lie (Or All of Them)

I’ve been so caught up in things that should not matter in the worldly sense. I’ve become lost. Over the last few weeks I have been in a state of depression. No real rhyme or reason. I’ve accepted it as something that just happens on occasion. I have enough sense to reach out when it gets ugly for me or my actions are not on par with where my brain needs to be. But, I digress, and need to discuss something that has my focus at this time. I hope that my focus will continue on the path I started a few days ago. I’m praying for it.

“But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until full day.” – Proverbs 4:18

It’s not an easy path to walk when you decide to walk with God. God doesn’t promise an easy life. He promises an abundant life. What does that mean? I had to look the word up in the dictionary, surprisingly weird since I do know how to use the word properly in a sentence.  The word abundant,  according to Dictionary.com, means “present in great quantity,” “more than adequate”, and “oversufficient”.  What does that mean? Well, to me, it means that God will give me more life than I know how to handle. He’ll also equip me with what I need to deal with the challenges I face in this earthly world. God will provide an escape when the temptation becomes too great.  He will instill in me a discerning spirit and voice in which to be guided by.  He will be present in all that I do.

I have to learn how to trust in that, instead of believing in the years of lies that I have been ingrained with. It’s those lies that have become my truth and I am just now starting to unravel them. It’s not easy. It’s even harder when you have been let down by the world and the pain within causes you to seek temporal comfort. You see, my personal journey in this life has been to seek the comfort of other human beings. Mostly male. Definitely all very unfulfilling and creating further chasms of unsatisfaction. There is no peace in temporary physical relationships.  I’m learning and while it’s a slow process, I’m starting to shed the negative habits that led me away from God.

There are many things I desire to discuss and bring to light in my life. Where to start? I could discuss the men in my past but first, I need to be honest with myself. I do suck at lying to others but I can lie to myself all day long. It’s because I believe what I’ve been told by those I seek acceptance from. I’m done with the lies. I don’t want to lie to myself anymore, nor do I want to be caught up in the lies of others.

“Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.”  – James 4:7

The biggest lie I believe is what others tell me I am or who I should be or what I need to do.  I recently ended a friendship because I believed that she was supportive of who I am inside. Truth revealed itself, and when I informed her that I was going through a depression, she stated that I was never there when she needed me. She made my depression about her. Her mother recently passed and I dropped everything to be by her side. I left work, picked up some food, and drove straight to her house. This wasn’t the first time. When I needed to talk about my grandmother, it became a conversation about her boyfriend. I’ve been praying for this relationship for a long time. I had been asking God to encourage me to stay friends with her. That wasn’t His answer. The relationship had become toxic and very one-sided; I wasn’t trusting of her nor did I feel I could tell her everything. I had realized that I had stopped telling her things a long time ago. I just let her assume that her thoughts and opinions of what was happening in my life were correct. I never bothered to correct her. I just allowed her to think her thoughts. I never stood up to her. She believes she knows what happened in my marriages. and I didn’t say a single word to her about them. Even my own mother doesn’t know what transpired. I keep certain things to myself, whether they are truth or a lie.

I’m learning to examine the lies and the environment surrounding them. My heart knows TRUTH. It’s time to let the truth out and show the truth I’ve found in God and His Son, Jesus.

Truth #1: Not everything I hear or see is God’s truth.

It is so easy to manipulate and twist the truth into something that creates a magical world for me. It’s so easy to believe that I can exist in the fake world I created for myself and that it brings me joy.  NOPE!  I tend to become consumed by what is going on around me and I allow myself to believe in things which are false. If I am in a relationship, my world is complete. If I do these things to make him happy, I will be happy. If I look this way or that way in my appearance, I will be attractive and attract the right kind of man.  NO!!  Again, this is all wrong.  I’ve put too much stock in human beings, especially men. Men who are not Godly and only want their own pleasures and desires.

I made a very hard decision for myself a few days ago. I decided to step away from all my male relationships. At least all those that are tinged with romance and sexual desire. My prayers have changed too, when I made this decision. I’ve been praying for the strength to say no to my sexual nature. Whoa! Did I just say that? Yes. I want truth and peace more than anything. I’m praying for God to help me during this time. I need help in dealing with the loneliness that comes from not being in a relationship. I have never been single or alone. I’ve been lonely but I also know in the recesses of my mind, I’ve never been alone. God has always been present.

God IS always present.

“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” – Deuteronomy 31:8

What Is Love? Pt. 2

My boyfriend and I had the following conversation last night:

I’ve spent most of today thinking about what love means to me. I’ve come to believe love is circular in many ways. Think about it for a moment…

A wedding band is a never ending circle demonstrating the emotional bond between two people. Love is two hearts sharing a single beat. Does your heart skip a beat when you look at your significant other? Mine does. Perhaps it’s my heartbeat syncing with his as I fall in love.

Love can be symbolized in many ways. It is often seen in the form of a heart. When love, we’re supposed to love with all our heart, right? The symbolism of the heart equating to love began in the 15th century. It’s a great way to write love. Red roses also represent love.

For me, after much thought, love is more of a demonstration rather than the verbal or written word. My boyfriend shows me his love (maybe I shouldn’t use that word just yet in regards to him yet) by doing little things for me. He holds my hand when we walk through a store or at the movies. He holds me when I need to be held, without even saying a word. He came to see me this past weekend after the horrible week I had. I didn’t ask him to but he knew I needed to feel how much he genuinely cares for me.

He’s filled my gas tank on more than one occasion. That demonstrated so much of how he feels about me. Case in point – I drove nearly everywhere and my ex never once offered to pay for gas. Not even for the 45 minute one way drive to pick up his ex-stepdaughter. Sad.

Gifts from the heart are great for birthdays, anniversaries, and Christmas but they don’t truly symbolize what love is. Material goods are not a replacement for real love.

Actions speak louder than words. The same goes for love. Anyone can say the words. They’re just words. Do they have meaning? Yes. When said at the right time and in the right context, those three little words have a powerful impact on its recipient.

Love is a very strong emotion. It is possible to love unconditionally. I mean more than just your child.

Love is the ability to give all of yourself, every fiber of your being to another person. It is the internal swelling of your heart when you look at him. It is in the way you kiss – kissing him like you miss him, even when he was simply in the next room. It’s resting your head on his shoulder and holding his hand while watching television.

It is communication. It is finding the words to lift each other up, especially during arguments. It is being supportive during hard times. It is finding the time to just be imperfect together. Nobody is perfect.

Love is a learning process.

It is the process of two hearts becoming one.