Falling

Wise men say, only fools rush in

But I can’t help, falling in love with you

That’s such a good song by Elvis Presley.

Are we foolish for falling in love with someone? What makes love foolish? Is love only a game for fools?

It’s easy to love someone. My friend K once said that I am a very easy person to love. Looking back on my life and relationship history, (sorry if I sound narcissistic here), I can see how someone could fall in love with me.

As I’ve gotten older and have experienced the hardships of life, falling in love hasn’t been easy. I’ve been more jaded and cynical about love. I can love someone I care about fairly easy but it’s a different kind of love. It’s a way for me to say “I care about you”, “I’m concerned about your wellbeing”, or “I want to know what is going on in your life”.

It’s not necessarily about romantic love and intimacy. It’s a way for me to draw closer to those I genuinely care about.

I’ve surrounded myself with an invisible wall over the last several years. My heart has been barricaded and I’ve not had a reason to take a sledgehammer to the bricks. It’s as if a cast-iron chastity cage has been erected and oxidized with no hope for rusty disintegration.

Love is a risk. I believe my walls have come down, brick by brick but the cage is still around my heart.

Am I a fool for falling? Or is it the wisest thing I could do for an amazing man who deserves my whole heart?

What Is Love? Pt. 2

My boyfriend and I had the following conversation last night:

I’ve spent most of today thinking about what love means to me. I’ve come to believe love is circular in many ways. Think about it for a moment…

A wedding band is a never ending circle demonstrating the emotional bond between two people. Love is two hearts sharing a single beat. Does your heart skip a beat when you look at your significant other? Mine does. Perhaps it’s my heartbeat syncing with his as I fall in love.

Love can be symbolized in many ways. It is often seen in the form of a heart. When love, we’re supposed to love with all our heart, right? The symbolism of the heart equating to love began in the 15th century. It’s a great way to write love. Red roses also represent love.

For me, after much thought, love is more of a demonstration rather than the verbal or written word. My boyfriend shows me his love (maybe I shouldn’t use that word just yet in regards to him yet) by doing little things for me. He holds my hand when we walk through a store or at the movies. He holds me when I need to be held, without even saying a word. He came to see me this past weekend after the horrible week I had. I didn’t ask him to but he knew I needed to feel how much he genuinely cares for me.

He’s filled my gas tank on more than one occasion. That demonstrated so much of how he feels about me. Case in point – I drove nearly everywhere and my ex never once offered to pay for gas. Not even for the 45 minute one way drive to pick up his ex-stepdaughter. Sad.

Gifts from the heart are great for birthdays, anniversaries, and Christmas but they don’t truly symbolize what love is. Material goods are not a replacement for real love.

Actions speak louder than words. The same goes for love. Anyone can say the words. They’re just words. Do they have meaning? Yes. When said at the right time and in the right context, those three little words have a powerful impact on its recipient.

Love is a very strong emotion. It is possible to love unconditionally. I mean more than just your child.

Love is the ability to give all of yourself, every fiber of your being to another person. It is the internal swelling of your heart when you look at him. It is in the way you kiss – kissing him like you miss him, even when he was simply in the next room. It’s resting your head on his shoulder and holding his hand while watching television.

It is communication. It is finding the words to lift each other up, especially during arguments. It is being supportive during hard times. It is finding the time to just be imperfect together. Nobody is perfect.

Love is a learning process.

It is the process of two hearts becoming one.

He Sees Me

The darkness has turned to light

The cup of joy overflows into a river of happiness long overdue

Tides of a ripple effect, washes over my heart

He sees me

The whole of my heart, bathed in light

His care is for me alone, as I walk with trepidation for the new-founded love

He sees me

Unabridged, unedited, raw with hidden emotions and an unbridled yearning

My heart has waited, patiently, to feel the strength of a single beat in unison

He sees me, for all that I am

He sees me, for who I am and what I will become

He sees me

Best Friend

I have two female best friends. I can share anything with my girls.

Allie lives a state away. I’ve know this amazingly awesome chick for 35 years. She is notorious for calling bullshit if something is fishy in my life. If I’m smelling the stink, I tell her first. She’s got my back in a heartbeat. I keep trying to tell her she needs to leave that state. Men there are nothing more than little boys. Children. Ugh. She’s about to be the sexiest grandma I know. Wait!!! She’s only 44, so she’s pretty young (younger than me anyways). When we are together, it’s a whirlwind of madness, chaos, and mayhem. Party, anyone? I appreciate that she and I get girl time when we can. We aren’t afraid to sit in the front row, beat on the glass, and slug a couple of beers during a Red Wings game (put that on your agenda, Allie). Girl, we have been through some serious stuff over the last 35 years. None of it, and I mean NONE OF IT, has killed us! Take that, life!

BonBon is my “little sister”. Our bond was tight right from the start. I haven’t known her as long as I have Allie but we’ve been through some short-term hell. I’ve watched the heartache she’s gone through and my heart has died for her pain. I wish I was still in CA for her. I miss my nieces and nephew.

Both of these wonderful women are my “ride or die” chicks. I’d go to the ends of the earth to find their happiness, all the while foregoing my own. They deserve this.

What I would love nothing more is to find my male partner in crime. A man strong enough to stand up to me while making me his equal. A man that will let me cry on his shoulders when I have no clue why I’m crying. A man who will wake up kissing me. A man who says “hey, can you afford to skip work” and we go on a one-day road trip to anywhere the road takes us. A man who will kiss me as soon as we’re home from our long days. A man who will “borrow” my car just to fill up the take.

A man that I can tell anything to yet understands when I shut down because I can’t find the words to express the overwhelming turmoil in my brain. And when I have a meltdown, he will just hold me until our world is calm. A man who wants to explore the world with me. A man who will kiss me to shut me up and make me forget what we were arguing about.

A man who will love God more than he loves me.

This man will be my world. He will have my heart, my devotion, my complete, unconditional love. He would be the air I breathe, very much like my girls. I won’t suffocate the relationship but when he needs me, I’ll be there.

He needs to be my best friend before anything else. He’ll get the whole of me.