Power Is Out

I’m sitting on the bed in the dark. Well, it’s not that dark. I have two candles burning. The power went out about 0430 and won’t be restored until after 0800.

Needless to say, I still have to go to work. I showered in the dark but didn’t wash my hair. Ugh. My hair hasn’t been washed since Friday. It’s not too bad but it smells like chemicals. Up into a bun it goes. No power means no heat. Luckily, it’s still warm in here.

No power also means I can’t make breakfast or prep my lunch. Double whammy. There isn’t enough time for me to leave the building and get lunch. I learned that a few weeks ago when I attempted to go to the nearest McDonald’s. My office is no where near any restaurants so it’s a trek to be had during the 30 minutes I get every day.

Oooo, I wonder if work has power. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been there without electricity. On my first day, there was a really bad wind storm and power was out for a few hours. We couldn’t see any patients! It was probably the easiest day I’ve ever had. There is a backup generator but it doesn’t provide us with enough power to do anything other than keep the servers running.

I’m going to fast today. None of my coworker’s delicious cookies that she brings every Monday will be had. No more eating after 2000 either. I need to get back into that habit.

Time to finish getting ready and go out to start my car.

P.S. Work has power and the roads weren’t too bad.

2022 Goals

Since I made the decision to leave social media and focus on other things, I will be blogging more. There are a few things I hope to achieve.

1. Drink more water. At least half my body weight in ounces. I don’t drink enough water and spend too much time drinking soda and sugary tea. But they taste so good!

2. Read more. I got the entire Sookie Stackhouse book series for Christmas and I’ve already started the first book. I was blessed to be able to watch the HBO series with my mom in 2020 so I’m excited to read the books now. David and the boys spoiled me with this.

3. Eat healthier. I crave salty stuff all the time. It’s a problem that can cause things like dehydration and hypertension. I work in a cardiology office and I’m learning so much about heart health.

4. I have a gym membership that I’ve never used. What is wrong with me? I need to find time to go. It’s difficult with 5 boys but maybe I can make it happen a few times a week.

5. Vaping. I started vaping in 2016 as a way to quit smoking. Perhaps it’s time to quit. Nobody likes a quitter, right? I may not quit completely but I will do my best to cut back tremendously.

6. Get more organized. I believe we will be moving in the future and being organized will help. We really need more space for the boys. A house with a yard would be nice.

That’s all I have for now.

Social Media Meltdown

I really think social media has taken its toll on me. I love seeing the pics but I realize my interaction with people has been minimal. Perhaps it’s time for another break. Only this time, I’m going to make it for a year. I’ve stepped off for 30 days, and for 3 months so attempting a year will be quite the challenge.

I know I can do it.

I plan to spend the year focused on me and my family. I intend to take care of myself and find the better version of me. I’m going to address issues that I’ve been ignoring for far too long. I’m going to live my life. Not just survive. Not just thrive. Live.

I have no idea what that will entail. I do know that I have an amazing boyfriend, 5 wonderful boys that are quite active, and a great job. I’m in a place where life couldn’t get any better. That being said, I don’t want to miss a single moment of my life. I want to be the best “mom” that I can possibly be for these great boys. I want to be the life partner my boyfriend needs.

Social media takes me away from all that. If I have learned anything these past few years, technology and social media will never love me the way I deserve to be loved. I cannot give my love to my phone in a way that it will be appreciated.

These boys love me. It is evident. And it fills my heart in a way I never dreamed of. As for David, he is my air. He has the whole of my heart. How did I get so blessed? I have future in laws who love me as well. I’ve not felt that kind of love ever. It’s amazing. I am definitely one lucky lady.

I’m doing my best to be supportive and help raise these fine young men. I couldn’t ask for a better life.

Notwithstanding, this is my farewell to social media. I won’t be on Facebook or Instagram. I never had Twitter so that doesn’t matter. If you are seeing this post and got here from Facebook, it’s because it’s set to automatically post there. I will miss my friends, the photos, and the updates. I can be reached on Messenger or via text.

I will see you in 2023. Much love.

Week 3, I think

Some major stresses took over week 2. They are now under control.

I haven’t been very strict with myself. Neither had Leslie. It’s all good though. A loss is still a loss, right? I’m down 2.4 lbs. The verdict is still out on Leslie’s loss. I saw the doctor a couple of weeks ago and my total cholesterol was 144. Doc was shocked considering she is not a fan of keto! Maybe now she’ll be more supportive of my weight loss endeavors.

This week we are changing things up. I’m making sure I get all my vitamins in. I really like shakes so I’m doing a shake once a day and then a regular keto meal. I also have snacks like nuts, cheese, pickles, and olives for when cravings hit. Maybe I’ll try deviled eggs too.

Slow and steady wins the race!

Keto Flu (Bless you!)

Pretty sure I have the dreaded keto flu. I have a massive head, zero energy, and am dragging butt. Thank goodness I have an awesome work partner who is understanding and supportive of this process!

Leslie weighed herself this morning. A couple of weeks ago, she weighed closer to 220 (maybe 223?). I’m proud of her. She says she’s not really feeling hungry but desperately needs the coffee. She’s loving the BPC, that’s for sure.

I weighed myself this morning too and I’m down nearly 4lbs. Monday is weigh-in day for me though and I’ll have a better number then. I did better on water yesterday but I’m still struggling. Hopefully today will be closer.

Day 2 of the Keto Jumpstart

Yesterday, I weighed in at 195.2. Leslie forgot to weight and she told me to just put FAT. Well, she’s not fat but she is a few pounds over 200 when she last weighed herself. She’s going to weigh either tomorrow or Thursday.

Day 1 wasn’t bad. I didn’t feel hungry and my meals were spaced out about 6ish hours. I work 12+ hours a day. I found this tea that I like and I’ve been drinking it before bed. I didn’t get enough water in on Monday either. I’m really struggling with that.

Day 2 was awful. I overslept and didn’t have time to do anything except make BPC, which Leslie made sure I had it when I walked out the door. Needless to say, I didn’t follow plan. I still ate keto though! I had 1&1/2 polish dogs with mustard (no bun!), 2 Colby Jack cheese sticks, and then bacon & eggs for my second meal. I don’t think that is horrible for food on the go. I’m going to start using Carb Manager to help. I only eat until I’m satisfied and try not to stuff myself. Some of my meals will have to be takeout, unfortunately, due to my work hours and time constraints. I made one of my meals and I’m already thinking about what to order for my break tomorrow.

The Evilution of Dating and Relationships

Disclaimer: This post will come across as sexist, genderist, and downright rude to some. If you are that easily offend, maybe you need to go back inside your box and stfu.

Dating and relationships have evolved over the millennia. It saddens me to see how dating is nothing more than a way to feel someone out for a casual hookup. Both men and women have been reduced to nothing more than an object. A wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am/ sir object. One to fulfill the lustful desires of the human body.

Ladies, guys aren’t doing the things they used to. Wonder why? Well, it’s not 1950-something and Petticoat Junction was a TV show. Perhaps it’s the constant screaming for equality between the sexes. Perhaps somewhere down the line we got it into our heads that we don’t need anyone’s help to do anything we wanted. I know I was raised to be self-sufficient. I can change a tire, balance a checkbook, lift heavy baskets/groceries, and fix basic household situations.

I like my independence but I love being in a mutual relationship. I’m sorry but when I was living with someone (married, even), I did not expect my guy to do anything after he had a long hard day at work while I was home all day. I made sure dinner was ready when he got home. I made sure he had clean clothes for work. I found compromise in the relationship. I hate to vacuum. Like, with a passionate despite. I do it because it’s a necessary evil. However, if he likes to vacuum but hates doing laundry, by all means! If he wants to vacuum all day long, I will sit on the couch and keep him company while he does it!

Men, ladies aren’t doing what they used to. Life is very different for women these days. Households can no longer survive on a single income. We have to work. Therefore, women are putting in as much time as you (men) are just to survive. There is single parenting going on. I can’t speak from experience, but rather what I’ve seen from dating single dads. Not all single parents have a great support system. This is both for moms and dads alike. Both (single) parents work all day then come home to take care of a child (or children). There are household chores to be done, homework to be checked, meals to be made, bills to be paid, and a thousand other things that are screaming for attention.

It is all these little things that add up that make dating and relationships more difficult than they need to be. Now, let’s throw in the fact that people are just stubborn enough to not understand what true compromise is about. I pick and choose my battles. It seems so dumb to get annoyed when lights are left on or all the hot water gets used. Granted, there are definitely some hardcore deal breakers in relationships. I, for one, don’t tolerate theft, lies, or illegal drug use. Those are my deal breakers. I’m not anyone’s judge. I can overlook a lot of things. It’s because I accept people for who they are, toxic traits and all. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I’m not without my own issues. I just hope that someone will love me despite those issues. I have days where I struggle to do the bare minimum to function (a side effect of depression). I’m not a huge fan of the one holiday that brings people the most joy – Christmas. I don’t always do the dishes. You can’t eat off my kitchen floor. Those are not things that matter in the grand scheme of life. I never want to be so busy with trivial things that I miss out on the value of a wonderful relationship with someone I love.

Dating and relationships are hard. They require WORK. Some relationships look easy but the truth is we don’t know what is truly transpiring between two people. One very important thing I’ve learned from relationships is that I never want my man to feel like he isn’t appreciated or valued in our relationship.

God never intended for man to be alone. He created Eve to HELP Adam. If a woman cannot be supportive of her significant other in the relationship, what are you doing? The same can be said to men. Don’t let your significant other do everything on their own. It needs to be mutual! Share in everything. Sometimes the woman has to give 150%. Sometimes the man has to give 150%. Not every day in a relationship will be perfect. But it takes two. Give 100% on each person’s part. There will be days when you can’t give 100% and that is okay. It just means we have to lift each other up for a while.

Where is the bar set for dating? Do you expect him to open the door for you? Do you expect her to allow moments for you to talk? Have you communicated your expectations to each other? When you expect nothing, you get nothing.

Put away your phone when spending time together. (I’m working on this.) Look at each other when talking. Hold hands. Do little things for each other. Play games. Surprise each other. Show love.

He puts more effort into our relationship than I realize at times but I see him. I appreciate him. I want to help him so he doesn’t get upset or frustrated with doing all the work. I’m not perfect by any means. I struggle. I’m struggling right now with depression and I know the battle will get worse. I hope he understands and will be supportive of me during this brief time. But I don’t expect it. Maybe I should expect it because that’s what you do for someone you love.

Dating is hard. Be willing to compromise but don’t sacrifice yourself to conform to another’s whims. Be a safe haven. Never stop learning in your relationship. Fight for love.

What are you willing to do for your relationship?

Fully Arrested

As an EMT, you have to be prepared for anything. After having my confidence totally decimated a while back, I began to question whether or not I could do this. I know I can. The only person who needs to believe in me is me. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone else. I just have to prove it to myself.

I was challenged today.

By no means am I perfect. There are things I don’t want to ever do in the field. I didn’t want to find myself paralyzed with fear. I didn’t want to stand there and not know what to do specifically. I didn’t. But I was scared. I was scared for the person laying in front me. I was scared for the family. Those fears got pushed aside because I had a job to do. Was I perfect at it? No, but I was able to assist the team present at the scene. I was able to do what I needed to do the best I could.

When you get the call that you are needed on scene for a full arrest, your heart starts racing. Your blood is pumping and the adrenaline begins to rush. You mentally prepare yourself for all of the things you may be required to do to save your patient’s life. You can’t think of anything but how to help save that person and keep them alive until you can get to an emergency room.

The scene is nothing more than a frenzy of activity. People are moving fast. Time is critical. There is no room for hesitation. If you stop, you’re looking at a dead patient. In some cases, your patient may already be dead before you arrive. However, once you start CPR, you cannot stop until you’ve achieved ROSC (return of spontaneous circulation) or time of death is called. Both situations can wreak havoc on your emotions.

I’m still processing. It was my first full arrest despite having been an EMT for a while now.

I believe ROSC was achieved. It’s what I heard the paramedic say. Despite that, my job wasn’t over. I still had to provide care and assist the paramedic on the way to the hospital. Once there, the trauma team took over.

I didn’t allow myself to feel anything until I got home. I’m just sitting here on the couch, staring at the TV (it’s not turned on, btw), and mulling over everything that occurred. Could something have been done differently? Maybe. I don’t know. I’m too new of an EMT to determine what I could do different next time. I was prepared. That’s the important thing. I had an awesome partner that, despite his humorous demeanor, was helpful in getting my mind set for what I needed to do and what I would see. I’m grateful for that.

I’m grateful for what I do. I just hope for a successful outcome for the patient and the family.

Why? Why EMS?

Of all the professions in the world, why did I chose EMS? The answer doesn’t require much thought for me.

People are selfish. So much that it astounds me. I can’t be that way. Not even if I tried. Oh trust me, I’ve tried and as much as it appeared that way, it wasn’t. I might live in my private bubble but it isn’t because of the reasons one would think.

For the first time in my life, I’m doing something that I want. It is a back burner life change. It wasn’t what I originally wanted in life but I’m doing it. I’m really not doing it for me though. I’m doing it for you. For the people in the state which I reside in. For the rest of the world.

I’ve not gotten what I really want in life, and at this point, I doubt I will. I’m okay with that. I’ve accepted my lot in this life.

I know what it’s like to live a life of pain. Full of pain. I know what it’s like to be unwanted. To be unloved. To feel and believe that no one cares. Emotional, mental, and physical pain. There are parts of my life that I don’t share because to do so, would inflict more pain. I don’t want to be a burden on anyone, so I stay in my bubble, with my private pain.

The people I come into contact with in EMS have pain. I have no idea what their pain is, but I know that for the short time I’m with them, they will know what it’s like to be loved unconditionally. They will know that someone cares. That someone is there for them. That they are wanted. That they are important. To me. By me.

I want to give others what I don’t have. I know I’m a little fish in a big ocean, but even the tiniest organism has a role in the grander scheme of life.

I’ve learned how to love unconditionally. I know my heart is huge and you can see it on my sleeve. Jesus gave unconditional love. He loved those who caused him pain. He didn’t hate anyone. I don’t either. I couldn’t hate anyone if I tried. You wouldn’t believe the ways I’ve tried.

Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” – Luke‬ ‭23:34‬a

That’s unconditional love.

I silently pray for those who are in my ambulance. I pray for ways to demonstrate the love they so desperately need and deserve. Sometimes, they want to talk. Sometime, they appreciate the silence so they can sort their thoughts. Sometimes, they need a place to rest their arm. Sometimes, they need a gentle touch. Sometimes, all of the above. Whatever they are going through, I will find a way to give them unconditional love. For a few moments.

The pain I’ve experienced in my life is trivial. It’s not important, at least not to many in today’s world. All that matters to me is that I take away someone else’s pain and they feel loved for a short period.

That’s why I chose EMS. Not out of some selfish desire to be a hero. I know there will be times when my love will be ineffective. At least I will be able to say that I gave it my all.

In the gathering of my thoughts, I have to wonder if EMS chose me… I feel it in my blood. It is the call of the siren (not the ambulance siren). EMS beckons me. In the end though, I made the decision.

Giving unconditional love is why I chose EMS.