Talk to me.

The problem is I can’t verbalize it. I cannot speak the words necessary to convey the overwhelming thoughts in my head. I’ve always been this way. Even as a child, I couldn’t feel anything to express myself. The words never came.

I still struggle with this but I’ve gotten better than I once was. I write. My written expressions are far better than what comes out of my mouth.

There is pain. There is a guarded wall around my heart. I can show and speak love, but I do not always feel it, no matter how it’s demonstrated. I felt love as it was spoken to me last year, after spending a few days in a mental hospital.

I had a nervous breakdown. It felt peaceful being there, despite the damage. I am broken. I am damaged. However, that doesn’t meant I’m beyond repair. I cling to that hope most days. The staff didn’t understand why I was there. I’m not an addict. I didn’t have a death wish. I had no plan of action for suicide.

I was just in a tremendous amount of mental anguish and emotional pain. I was overwhelmed by life. I knew suicide wasn’t the answer. Hence, no plan.

My need for self-preservation was greater than my need for self-harm. I kept repeating that as it was how I felt. I still feel that way. Please allow me to repeat myself…

My desire for self-preservation is greater than my need for self-harm.

I’ve been through counseling. I was studying to become a therapist myself. Those studies were abandoned when I realized I couldn’t help anyone until I fixed myself. Instead of fixing myself, I dove deeper into my self-created spiral. I created it by my actions. The detriment of myself. The degradation and devaluation of who I was. I had lost control of my life.

I feel as though I’ve failed. Failed in relationships, not just the romantic ones either. Failed as a woman. Failed in my general existence. It’s depressing and overwhelming.

Don’t worry. I have no intention of ending my life. No future plans of it, either. God will take me home when He’s good and ready. I have a lot of reasons to live. I have an amazing and supportive boyfriend who gets me and understands what I’m going through. I’m sure it scares him at times, especially being so far away. My two best friends are incredible too. They know how to make me laugh until I pee my pants. They also have been through hell with me. I know my parents love me. I love my niece, D, and there’s another girl in the way. How would my brother explain that the pain I was feeling destroyed my self-preservation? Without certain people in my life, I’m not sure how I would survive.

In the meantime, I will shed tears for no reason. Shutdown emotionally so I can sort the mess in my head. When I learn how to talk and find the words I need in order to express myself without destroying relationships, I will know how to convey what’s in my heart.

Imagine a cassette tape. Your cassette player has pulled out the magnetic strip to the very end. The end that was once glued to the wheel. Now it’s a jumbled mess that no pencil can wind back inside it’s original container.

Yep, that’s what’s inside my head.

Best Friend

I have two female best friends. I can share anything with my girls.

Allie lives a state away. I’ve know this amazingly awesome chick for 35 years. She is notorious for calling bullshit if something is fishy in my life. If I’m smelling the stink, I tell her first. She’s got my back in a heartbeat. I keep trying to tell her she needs to leave that state. Men there are nothing more than little boys. Children. Ugh. She’s about to be the sexiest grandma I know. Wait!!! She’s only 44, so she’s pretty young (younger than me anyways). When we are together, it’s a whirlwind of madness, chaos, and mayhem. Party, anyone? I appreciate that she and I get girl time when we can. We aren’t afraid to sit in the front row, beat on the glass, and slug a couple of beers during a Red Wings game (put that on your agenda, Allie). Girl, we have been through some serious stuff over the last 35 years. None of it, and I mean NONE OF IT, has killed us! Take that, life!

BonBon is my “little sister”. Our bond was tight right from the start. I haven’t known her as long as I have Allie but we’ve been through some short-term hell. I’ve watched the heartache she’s gone through and my heart has died for her pain. I wish I was still in CA for her. I miss my nieces and nephew.

Both of these wonderful women are my “ride or die” chicks. I’d go to the ends of the earth to find their happiness, all the while foregoing my own. They deserve this.

What I would love nothing more is to find my male partner in crime. A man strong enough to stand up to me while making me his equal. A man that will let me cry on his shoulders when I have no clue why I’m crying. A man who will wake up kissing me. A man who says “hey, can you afford to skip work” and we go on a one-day road trip to anywhere the road takes us. A man who will kiss me as soon as we’re home from our long days. A man who will “borrow” my car just to fill up the take.

A man that I can tell anything to yet understands when I shut down because I can’t find the words to express the overwhelming turmoil in my brain. And when I have a meltdown, he will just hold me until our world is calm. A man who wants to explore the world with me. A man who will kiss me to shut me up and make me forget what we were arguing about.

A man who will love God more than he loves me.

This man will be my world. He will have my heart, my devotion, my complete, unconditional love. He would be the air I breathe, very much like my girls. I won’t suffocate the relationship but when he needs me, I’ll be there.

He needs to be my best friend before anything else. He’ll get the whole of me.