Waiting on Him

I was listening to John Waller’s song While I’m Waiting earlier today…

“I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait”

There are things in this life that my heart desires. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life on earth alone. However, if that is God’s will, I will accept it. I’m learning to be patient and wait for my needs to be provided for. One crucial thing: only God can fill the void in a human heart. I won’t ever find comfort in a man’s arms until I can find comfort in God.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort.” – 2 Corinthians 1:3

So, I’ve made the decision to wait. Wait for what? I have no idea. But I’m going to wait until God decides to give me what is His Will for me. I already know I will be impatient. I will be frustrated. I may even get angry at times. I could kick, scream, cry, and throw the very same temper-tantrum that a 3 year-old would when they can’t have a cookie. Yes, I am quite capable of doing all those things; after all, I am a child of God.

“I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God.” – Psalm 69:3

It will be exhausting waiting on God to provide my heart’s desires. Not everything I want in life will be given to me. If it doesn’t jive with what God’s plans are for me, then when I make piss-poor choices, my life will go awry. I already know this, God! I know when I’ve made some really bad decisions and I’ve had to live with the consequences. It has not been fun to untangle the web that I created with my attitude on doing whatever I wanted. If anything it has only served to bring me misery. There. I said it. I’ve been miserable in the choices I’ve made for myself instead of listening to God. What’s ironic about all of this is that that I know that God was watching. He was sitting in the back, where I ushered Him, with His feet propped up and munching on a bowl of popcorn. Yummy. I’m quite certain it has been a very entertaining show so far.

“Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!” – Psalm 27:14

I was texting with my friend T this evening, moments before typing this blog. He actually inspired it. Our conversations are always appropriate, God-driven, and nurturing. Tonight’s conversation was no different. T is an incredible man that any God-fearing woman would be blessed to have. Heck! I’m just blessed to call him my friend! T and I met on a dating site. We exchanged a few messages back and forth but it never really went any further than that. In fact, we’ve never met in person.What? Yep. We’ve never met face to face. One of these days we will. God willing! I digress. T and I were discussing relationships and he has assumed that I had gotten married. For the record, I’m not married and I’m not even close to thinking about it right now. My focus is on strengthening my relationship with God. That’s all that matters. T is single too. I told him that he’ll find someone. God has a plan for all of us.

T’s response? “I’m waiting on Him.”

Please, allow me to repeat that… I’m waiting on Him.

This has been my mantra all day.  I want to wait for God. I’ve been praying about that statement all day. But to see it in a text message from T, was all I needed today. The tears came next. I know I put too much stock in having a relationship with a man. Perhaps it’s overrated at this conjuncture in my life. I know what I have to do right now. In this season. It will be the hardest thing I have ever done. Yet, I know it will be the most rewarding. Please, Father, grant me some patience? I’m going to need it as I wait on You. I have to close several doors. I’ve already started doing that and from a physical perspective, it’s been rather refreshing and freeing. I want to stay away from relationships that can create a disturbance in my relationship with God. Is that even possible?

“Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man it is impossible, but not with God. For all things are possible with God.'” – Mark 10:27

I simply cannot do much of anything without God’s help. I know He is there for me and will remove temptations from my path. He will provide a way out and surround me with His Warriors to protect me when I feel weak. As long as I stay focused and keep my eyes on the rewards that can only be found in heaven, I will wait.

Dearest Father,

You and only You know the deepest desires of my heart. A woman’s heart is as vast as the ocean and often filled beyond capacity. I ask that You guide me as You see fit so that I may strengthen the bond I have with You.  You are my Father and have made me Your daughter. Please teach me patience, just as You have taught me to give unconditional love.Please help me to stay on the narrow path and to fully understand how You are carrying me during the hardest times of my earthly life. I know You have plans for me to prosper, to have peace, and to be loved. My heart knows that You only have the best in mind for me. I ask that You provide Your will for me in Your time.

In Jesus’ name, Amen

Living a Lie (Or All of Them)

I’ve been so caught up in things that should not matter in the worldly sense. I’ve become lost. Over the last few weeks I have been in a state of depression. No real rhyme or reason. I’ve accepted it as something that just happens on occasion. I have enough sense to reach out when it gets ugly for me or my actions are not on par with where my brain needs to be. But, I digress, and need to discuss something that has my focus at this time. I hope that my focus will continue on the path I started a few days ago. I’m praying for it.

“But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until full day.” – Proverbs 4:18

It’s not an easy path to walk when you decide to walk with God. God doesn’t promise an easy life. He promises an abundant life. What does that mean? I had to look the word up in the dictionary, surprisingly weird since I do know how to use the word properly in a sentence.  The word abundant,  according to Dictionary.com, means “present in great quantity,” “more than adequate”, and “oversufficient”.  What does that mean? Well, to me, it means that God will give me more life than I know how to handle. He’ll also equip me with what I need to deal with the challenges I face in this earthly world. God will provide an escape when the temptation becomes too great.  He will instill in me a discerning spirit and voice in which to be guided by.  He will be present in all that I do.

I have to learn how to trust in that, instead of believing in the years of lies that I have been ingrained with. It’s those lies that have become my truth and I am just now starting to unravel them. It’s not easy. It’s even harder when you have been let down by the world and the pain within causes you to seek temporal comfort. You see, my personal journey in this life has been to seek the comfort of other human beings. Mostly male. Definitely all very unfulfilling and creating further chasms of unsatisfaction. There is no peace in temporary physical relationships.  I’m learning and while it’s a slow process, I’m starting to shed the negative habits that led me away from God.

There are many things I desire to discuss and bring to light in my life. Where to start? I could discuss the men in my past but first, I need to be honest with myself. I do suck at lying to others but I can lie to myself all day long. It’s because I believe what I’ve been told by those I seek acceptance from. I’m done with the lies. I don’t want to lie to myself anymore, nor do I want to be caught up in the lies of others.

“Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.”  – James 4:7

The biggest lie I believe is what others tell me I am or who I should be or what I need to do.  I recently ended a friendship because I believed that she was supportive of who I am inside. Truth revealed itself, and when I informed her that I was going through a depression, she stated that I was never there when she needed me. She made my depression about her. Her mother recently passed and I dropped everything to be by her side. I left work, picked up some food, and drove straight to her house. This wasn’t the first time. When I needed to talk about my grandmother, it became a conversation about her boyfriend. I’ve been praying for this relationship for a long time. I had been asking God to encourage me to stay friends with her. That wasn’t His answer. The relationship had become toxic and very one-sided; I wasn’t trusting of her nor did I feel I could tell her everything. I had realized that I had stopped telling her things a long time ago. I just let her assume that her thoughts and opinions of what was happening in my life were correct. I never bothered to correct her. I just allowed her to think her thoughts. I never stood up to her. She believes she knows what happened in my marriages. and I didn’t say a single word to her about them. Even my own mother doesn’t know what transpired. I keep certain things to myself, whether they are truth or a lie.

I’m learning to examine the lies and the environment surrounding them. My heart knows TRUTH. It’s time to let the truth out and show the truth I’ve found in God and His Son, Jesus.

Truth #1: Not everything I hear or see is God’s truth.

It is so easy to manipulate and twist the truth into something that creates a magical world for me. It’s so easy to believe that I can exist in the fake world I created for myself and that it brings me joy.  NOPE!  I tend to become consumed by what is going on around me and I allow myself to believe in things which are false. If I am in a relationship, my world is complete. If I do these things to make him happy, I will be happy. If I look this way or that way in my appearance, I will be attractive and attract the right kind of man.  NO!!  Again, this is all wrong.  I’ve put too much stock in human beings, especially men. Men who are not Godly and only want their own pleasures and desires.

I made a very hard decision for myself a few days ago. I decided to step away from all my male relationships. At least all those that are tinged with romance and sexual desire. My prayers have changed too, when I made this decision. I’ve been praying for the strength to say no to my sexual nature. Whoa! Did I just say that? Yes. I want truth and peace more than anything. I’m praying for God to help me during this time. I need help in dealing with the loneliness that comes from not being in a relationship. I have never been single or alone. I’ve been lonely but I also know in the recesses of my mind, I’ve never been alone. God has always been present.

God IS always present.

“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” – Deuteronomy 31:8

What Is Love? Pt. 2

My boyfriend and I had the following conversation last night:

I’ve spent most of today thinking about what love means to me. I’ve come to believe love is circular in many ways. Think about it for a moment…

A wedding band is a never ending circle demonstrating the emotional bond between two people. Love is two hearts sharing a single beat. Does your heart skip a beat when you look at your significant other? Mine does. Perhaps it’s my heartbeat syncing with his as I fall in love.

Love can be symbolized in many ways. It is often seen in the form of a heart. When love, we’re supposed to love with all our heart, right? The symbolism of the heart equating to love began in the 15th century. It’s a great way to write love. Red roses also represent love.

For me, after much thought, love is more of a demonstration rather than the verbal or written word. My boyfriend shows me his love (maybe I shouldn’t use that word just yet in regards to him yet) by doing little things for me. He holds my hand when we walk through a store or at the movies. He holds me when I need to be held, without even saying a word. He came to see me this past weekend after the horrible week I had. I didn’t ask him to but he knew I needed to feel how much he genuinely cares for me.

He’s filled my gas tank on more than one occasion. That demonstrated so much of how he feels about me. Case in point – I drove nearly everywhere and my ex never once offered to pay for gas. Not even for the 45 minute one way drive to pick up his ex-stepdaughter. Sad.

Gifts from the heart are great for birthdays, anniversaries, and Christmas but they don’t truly symbolize what love is. Material goods are not a replacement for real love.

Actions speak louder than words. The same goes for love. Anyone can say the words. They’re just words. Do they have meaning? Yes. When said at the right time and in the right context, those three little words have a powerful impact on its recipient.

Love is a very strong emotion. It is possible to love unconditionally. I mean more than just your child.

Love is the ability to give all of yourself, every fiber of your being to another person. It is the internal swelling of your heart when you look at him. It is in the way you kiss – kissing him like you miss him, even when he was simply in the next room. It’s resting your head on his shoulder and holding his hand while watching television.

It is communication. It is finding the words to lift each other up, especially during arguments. It is being supportive during hard times. It is finding the time to just be imperfect together. Nobody is perfect.

Love is a learning process.

It is the process of two hearts becoming one.

He Sees Me

The darkness has turned to light

The cup of joy overflows into a river of happiness long overdue

Tides of a ripple effect, washes over my heart

He sees me

The whole of my heart, bathed in light

His care is for me alone, as I walk with trepidation for the new-founded love

He sees me

Unabridged, unedited, raw with hidden emotions and an unbridled yearning

My heart has waited, patiently, to feel the strength of a single beat in unison

He sees me, for all that I am

He sees me, for who I am and what I will become

He sees me

Two Types of Men

Actually, I have three classifications for the male species – boys, guys, and men.

Oh little boys and their games! Very few males have integrity. Those who do, are definitely not in this category. Boys have an agenda. It may not be prevalent at first, but it does come out eventually.

C’mon, ladies… you all know the agenda I’m referring to.

The SEX agenda.

Boys, don’t get me wrong. I’m sure I like sex as much as Jenna Jameson. However, it’s not a priority. Relationships based upon sex never last. Been there, done that, cupcake. If you’re with someone but still looking around the forest, you’ve missed the rose.

I recently met someone on a social media platform. In order for someone to be real to me, I have to talk to you on the phone. Pictures mean nothing. I digress.

With this boy and our conversations, something was amiss. I questioned everything he said. He said he was in the military. His uniform didn’t look right. I had my friends who actually are in the service, verify the inaccuracies. I asked him to take a specific photo for me, at the suggestion of some police family members. He refused and his response was “I’m the man in this relationship. I don’t have to obey you.” No way. I will not allow anyone to talk to me like that. It’s very disrespectful!

I continued to talk to him because I wanted to find the truth in his bullshit.

I asked him repeatedly to call me. The excuses came. They were consistent excuses but lies nonetheless. According to the story, he dropped his phone and the microphone was broken. He needed $300 to fix it. He didn’t ask me for the money. I feel sorry for whomever he did ask. Yesterday, he called me through Facebook Messenger. That phone call was very short.

I have a very low tolerance for lies from boys.

He prefaced his call with “I have an accent. You know I’m not Caucasian, right?”

I’m sorry but if you’re born in the United States, especially if you say you’re from Nebraska, I expect you to have a midwestern accent.

The boy sounded black and from Africa! There was no way this was him:

If anyone who reads this knows who this picture really belongs to, please let me know! The person who sent me this picture isn’t the person who called me. HUGE DIFFERENCE!

My final, parting words to this boy were as follows:

1) you told me your dad was Mexican and your mom “American”. If you had been born in the States with that heritage, you would NEVER say someone is Caucasian. That person is “white”. 2) I asked you a few times not to call me “babe” or “baby”. You have continued to do so. 3) I have spent the last 20 years investigating military scammers.

Ok, so that last part about being an investigator I made up. I was pissed that he thought I was naive and gullible! I’m a woman. Women can smell that funk a mile away.

Now, onto Guys. The male species is placed here until they have been proven they belong in one of the other categories. We are most definitely friends in this conjunction.

Men… oh my! Men blow my mind! Real men, that is.

I went on a date Saturday night. I was floored. Sammy can tell you that’s hard to do and he’s never seen it in the 15+ years he’s known me.

He greeted me with a hug. He let me order in Spanish without making fun of me. He held the door open for me. He held my hand. We talked about so many things! Completely respectful! He did steal a kiss too. Okay, maybe a lot of kisses! I’m not complaining! It was one of the best nights I’ve had in over 10 years. There wasn’t even long stares at a cellphone. I was able to look into his eyes and see his smile for me. Everything about him was genuine and respectful. Nothing was off limits for conversation topics and we did talk about sex. It was not a priority conversation though.

I don’t keep secrets very well. My parents know everything. When I saw them after this date, I flat out said “I haven’t been on a date with a real man in a very long time.” They could see I was a bit shaken by that concept. Real men do still exist.

My heart was melting. The Ice Queen was thawing. I would love nothing more than to see him again.

I’m still in a state of awe. I have nothing but respect for men like him. There were no pretenses, pressure, or games. Raw honesty. No hidden agenda. Real men don’t waste time playing games. I was comfortable with him.

These are just my general opinions.

**Side note: I love our military. I support the military. It breaks my heart to see someone use the military as a cover for scamming innocent people. Our service members do something that many of us don’t even think about – they are willing to die for every American. I pray daily that God keeps the men and women of our Armed Forces safe and bring them home quickly. Love to you all!