Talk to me.

The problem is I can’t verbalize it. I cannot speak the words necessary to convey the overwhelming thoughts in my head. I’ve always been this way. Even as a child, I couldn’t feel anything to express myself. The words never came.

I still struggle with this but I’ve gotten better than I once was. I write. My written expressions are far better than what comes out of my mouth.

There is pain. There is a guarded wall around my heart. I can show and speak love, but I do not always feel it, no matter how it’s demonstrated. I felt love as it was spoken to me last year, after spending a few days in a mental hospital.

I had a nervous breakdown. It felt peaceful being there, despite the damage. I am broken. I am damaged. However, that doesn’t meant I’m beyond repair. I cling to that hope most days. The staff didn’t understand why I was there. I’m not an addict. I didn’t have a death wish. I had no plan of action for suicide.

I was just in a tremendous amount of mental anguish and emotional pain. I was overwhelmed by life. I knew suicide wasn’t the answer. Hence, no plan.

My need for self-preservation was greater than my need for self-harm. I kept repeating that as it was how I felt. I still feel that way. Please allow me to repeat myself…

My desire for self-preservation is greater than my need for self-harm.

I’ve been through counseling. I was studying to become a therapist myself. Those studies were abandoned when I realized I couldn’t help anyone until I fixed myself. Instead of fixing myself, I dove deeper into my self-created spiral. I created it by my actions. The detriment of myself. The degradation and devaluation of who I was. I had lost control of my life.

I feel as though I’ve failed. Failed in relationships, not just the romantic ones either. Failed as a woman. Failed in my general existence. It’s depressing and overwhelming.

Don’t worry. I have no intention of ending my life. No future plans of it, either. God will take me home when He’s good and ready. I have a lot of reasons to live. I have an amazing and supportive boyfriend who gets me and understands what I’m going through. I’m sure it scares him at times, especially being so far away. My two best friends are incredible too. They know how to make me laugh until I pee my pants. They also have been through hell with me. I know my parents love me. I love my niece, D, and there’s another girl in the way. How would my brother explain that the pain I was feeling destroyed my self-preservation? Without certain people in my life, I’m not sure how I would survive.

In the meantime, I will shed tears for no reason. Shutdown emotionally so I can sort the mess in my head. When I learn how to talk and find the words I need in order to express myself without destroying relationships, I will know how to convey what’s in my heart.

Imagine a cassette tape. Your cassette player has pulled out the magnetic strip to the very end. The end that was once glued to the wheel. Now it’s a jumbled mess that no pencil can wind back inside it’s original container.

Yep, that’s what’s inside my head.

Holiday Seasonings and Tinsel

Christmas typically is not a fun time for me. I relate more to Ebeneezer Scrooge than Bernard the head elf. Speaking of elves, I truly despise that creepy Elf on a Shelf thing. It reminds me of clowns, which I do not cope with very well.  There are very few clowns in this house; one of which belonged to Roger’s father.  That particular one can stay for its sentimental value.  I also do not believe that children should have to worry about their behaviors because a ridiculous toy “will tell Santa if they are naughty or nice”. If your child requires this thing in order to produce positive behaviors, then perhaps you should examine your parenting skills. <cue the bashing for parenting skills comment>.

Please allow me a moment to reminisce of Christmas one year ago.  It was a fabulous time! I’m not sure I had placed that much enjoyment in a whimsical holiday before. It was a very special Christmas as it was my first with Roger and the kids. This year is not much different than last.  It is one of the few times I’ve truly gotten into some degree of Christmas spirit. I really enjoyed spending time with the kids and shopping. I put a lot of thought into gifts this year and I have a plan for Christmas next year. Eh, maybe we can decorate a palm tree instead of a pine tree. New Year’s is always fun at Disneyland!  I truly hope I’ve done well with gifting this year.  Trystan is getting exactly what he asked Santa for, Mya is getting the same, and Cassandra is getting a lump of coal.  Teenagers.  Anybody want mine?  Actually, as far as teenagers go, she IS a good kid and I love her. I love all three of them very much.

I bought Roger’s gift a while back.  He is getting…  NOPE!  Not telling YOU!  Because then you will tell him and I don’t want any grief about the lack of funds I spent on him.  I just hope he likes socks and underwear.

I still have to get something for Ginger.  BarkBox just won’t cut it this year. Besides, she doesn’t play with the toys she’s already got.  Maybe some bacon and a jar of peanut butter.

The only people I have not shopped for is my niece and my mother.  Unfortunately, I have to extend the Christmas season into January. Not like it’s an issue for some; I don’t mind giving gifts all year round. Receiving gifts are not my primary love language.  Ahhh… Love languages. That is a blog idea for another time.

Church was good today.  The kids program was so cute! I’m proud of my two youngest as they said their lines and sang the songs. After they were done, all three of the kids got Christmas presents handed out by the pastor and his wife. Candy bags were handed out to everyone as well.

Most of the gifts are wrapped.  Stockings have been stuffed and are just waiting to be put on display.

My feelings about this new Christmas are explainable.  God’s in charge and I can feel His power.  The emotions on my face match what is my heart.  It’s different. I’m not 100% sure of what to make of it.  For the most part, I’m rolling with it.  I am learning how to be okay with how I feel.  It’s being open that I’m struggling with.  Work in progress.  Just keep reminding me that I’m a work in progress.  God is in control and He is good. God is my tinsel.

How many more days until Christmas?