Talk to me.

The problem is I can’t verbalize it. I cannot speak the words necessary to convey the overwhelming thoughts in my head. I’ve always been this way. Even as a child, I couldn’t feel anything to express myself. The words never came.

I still struggle with this but I’ve gotten better than I once was. I write. My written expressions are far better than what comes out of my mouth.

There is pain. There is a guarded wall around my heart. I can show and speak love, but I do not always feel it, no matter how it’s demonstrated. I felt love as it was spoken to me last year, after spending a few days in a mental hospital.

I had a nervous breakdown. It felt peaceful being there, despite the damage. I am broken. I am damaged. However, that doesn’t meant I’m beyond repair. I cling to that hope most days. The staff didn’t understand why I was there. I’m not an addict. I didn’t have a death wish. I had no plan of action for suicide.

I was just in a tremendous amount of mental anguish and emotional pain. I was overwhelmed by life. I knew suicide wasn’t the answer. Hence, no plan.

My need for self-preservation was greater than my need for self-harm. I kept repeating that as it was how I felt. I still feel that way. Please allow me to repeat myself…

My desire for self-preservation is greater than my need for self-harm.

I’ve been through counseling. I was studying to become a therapist myself. Those studies were abandoned when I realized I couldn’t help anyone until I fixed myself. Instead of fixing myself, I dove deeper into my self-created spiral. I created it by my actions. The detriment of myself. The degradation and devaluation of who I was. I had lost control of my life.

I feel as though I’ve failed. Failed in relationships, not just the romantic ones either. Failed as a woman. Failed in my general existence. It’s depressing and overwhelming.

Don’t worry. I have no intention of ending my life. No future plans of it, either. God will take me home when He’s good and ready. I have a lot of reasons to live. I have an amazing and supportive boyfriend who gets me and understands what I’m going through. I’m sure it scares him at times, especially being so far away. My two best friends are incredible too. They know how to make me laugh until I pee my pants. They also have been through hell with me. I know my parents love me. I love my niece, D, and there’s another girl in the way. How would my brother explain that the pain I was feeling destroyed my self-preservation? Without certain people in my life, I’m not sure how I would survive.

In the meantime, I will shed tears for no reason. Shutdown emotionally so I can sort the mess in my head. When I learn how to talk and find the words I need in order to express myself without destroying relationships, I will know how to convey what’s in my heart.

Imagine a cassette tape. Your cassette player has pulled out the magnetic strip to the very end. The end that was once glued to the wheel. Now it’s a jumbled mess that no pencil can wind back inside it’s original container.

Yep, that’s what’s inside my head.

Toxicity and Boundaries

Today’s sermon at church was a really hard one for me to hear.

For many years, I had no boundaries. I had no morals, scruples, or standards. I was in my twenties, a time when I was meant to be free yet not allowed to make mistakes. I had no idea what life was supposed to be or how to even live it. I had bound myself to the whims of others. I molded myself into what I believed others wanted me to be. I had no clue how to be myself. I hadn’t the slightest as to who I was. Only what others required of me without asking about me.

This is some treacherous territory for me.

It was only a few years ago that I truly realized who I was. I had fought for several years to establish my own identity. I knew exactly who I was and where I was headed. I was strong. I was independent (to a degree). I was fearless.

While I knew I could not conquer the world on my own, I knew I didn’t want to be alone. God didn’t create just Adam; He brought Eve into the world, straight out of the side. I knew I was not meant to be without someone. I went in a few dates, made a very small handful of friends, then set forth on a relationship.

The roses smelled so sweet in the beginning. I had few established boundaries. I knew what I would or wouldn’t do. I had no expectations of someone else. Perhaps I should have though. It may have saved me from a lot of heartache.

Hindsight is 20/20.

Subtlety is a cruel animal. It blinds us to the natural erosion of time. I did not wake up one morning and say, “whoa! When did this happen?” No, it happened over time. Very slowly and gradually.

I allowed myself to become molded into what someone else wanted.

I was the newborn butterfly returned to its cocoon. I was no longer free to fly. No longer allowed to be what had been attracted to in the first place.

Others saw it before I did. Again, hindsight is perfection at its finest. I never saw it until I availed myself the opportunity to step outside of my environment. I, Mia, had slowly eroded my joy of self-establishment. Who was I? What had I allowed to happen that I lost my identity? I did not recognize the person in the mirror staring back at me.

Like the path a flowing river creates, the tides of my personality had ebbed.

What few boundaries I had were gone. My toxicity levels were high. I began to search for the root of my bane existence. Existence. That was it in a nutshell. I existed. I was not living. I was not surviving. I was not thriving. I was simply existing. I was not even present in the moments of time.

My life, in its lackluster essence, was toxic.

Was it me directly? Was it the people around me? Was it my job that I supposedly loved? Was it my day-to-day routine?

What was the base element of the poison that adhered to my disposition, thus creating a deplorable shell of self?

I had allowed poison into my life. A person who was toxic within themselves. My personal boundaries had withered away and were replaced. Granted, the new boundaries were a higher set of moral standards, they should never have been set to replace my personality and who I was. Instead, the new boundaries should have been imposed gradually so as to not destroy the butterfly inside the cocoon!

With the toxicity safely removed, I am emerging once again. I still have no expectations of others, as we are all human and prone to failures of sorts. However, the standards and boundaries I have set for myself have changed. Never again will I allow a poisonous element eradicate or alter who I know I am to be.

I know what I will allow. I know what I will not accept.

Remove the toxic elements and set your boundaries. You are in control of your happiness.

My Fight Song

I didn’t sleep well last night. Instead, I mulled over the last two years of my life and how this song by Rachel Platten fits where I am right now.

Like a small boat on the ocean
Sending big waves into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

I am small but I am gaining strength in ways I never imagined. I created incredible waves when I made the decision to move out on my own. It’s not been without its challenges. However, I did set fire to the bridge. At this point, I believe it’s the wisest thing I’ve ever done.

And all those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

Actions speak louder than words. It didn’t matter how many times I repeated myself. Brick walls never change. I saw actions that spoke volumes and established where I stood in another person’s life. I was alone, facing a stone wall.

This is my fight song
Take-back-my-life song
Prove-I’m-alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care
If nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got
A lot of fight left in me

I took back MY life! I feel like I am returning to who I truly am as a daughter of God. I am becoming me again. All those things that attracted others, were destroyed over time during the last two years.

Losing friends and I’m chasing sleep

Everybody’s worried about me

In too deep they say I’m in too deep (in too deep)

And it’s been two years

I miss my home

But there’s a fire burning in my bones

Still believe

Yeah, I still believe

I know who I am. I know what I want. I grow stronger in my convictions every day. If someone can not handle it, they can walk away but please be truthful about it.

I did lose friends. I lost sleep.

Those who loved me were worried. They tried to express their concerns. They were talking to a crumbling brick wall. The wall has come down. The gloves have come on. I’m fighting. I’m fighting to have back what I had lost. I lost more than I gained though.

I had lost not only my friends and those that have truly loved me my entire life, but most importantly, I had lost myself. I had lost the woman I had blossomed into. The woman I never discovered until I was well into my 30’s.

My power is turned on. The beast is on fire to awaken my return.

I can guarantee this – No one will ever destroy me again.