Finishing Well

I used to run. I ran a lot a few years back. I have medals from running 5ks and even a medal from running a half marathon. When I ran these races, I didn’t worry about the time it took for me to finish the course. I simply wanted to finish. I’ve always loved the freedom that running brought to my head. I had mental clarity, my emotions were in check as running was an outlet for my frustrations, and my physical fitness was decent. I haven’t ran in many years and I have excuse upon excuse upon excuse as to why I don’t run anymore. I blame other things instead of accepting responsibility and just doing it. I will have to work on that. I am a work in progress and God isn’t through with me until He tells me it’s time to come home to Him.

“But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God.” – Acts 20:24

On June 16, 2020, I started something. I began a renewal of my relationship with God. I have always had God in my life but never have I ever felt His presence more than I do now.  Some events have happened in my life that left me in a state of despair. This situation caused me to learn a few things, some of which are sadly negative and a huge cup of reality, and others have shown me how displaced I really was. The biggest thing I’ve learned is how to not trust people. That’s sad when all we have in life is each other. One thought that was on my mind was about how I’m currently living with my mom. (I’ve had a recurring dream about something I’m not ready to discuss.) When she is gone, I will have no one left. It will be just me and I will die alone.  That is painfully sad. Nobody should ever die alone. We have God but it’s nice to know that we are loved during our time on earth.

I just want to finish the mission God has placed upon me well before I die.

“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” – 2 Timothy 4:7

That’s no small feat! When God put me back on the path to Him, my heart knew that I would have a challenge in front of me. I’m still not sure of what that challenge is or even what my purpose is. I only know of the rewards that await me in heaven. I plan to stay the course and finish strong. In the meantime, I have established goals for myself. The most important goal is to ensure that God comes first. This morning, I got on my knees and prayed. I had to. Something is plaguing me and I have continuously asked God to take it away. This situation that I have asked for removal is like the bratty sibling that constantly wants to invade your privacy when you are with your friends or need to be alone. Even right now, it’s in the back of my mind and I am patiently waiting for God to eradicate it from my brain and heart. But, at the same time, there’s nothing but love there. Painful love.

“pray without ceasing,” – 1 Thessalonians 5:7

I don’t ever stop praying. I prayed for each person I came into contact with yesterday. I prayed for some friends, whom I know are struggling, and I prayed for opportunities to arise so that I can share my relationship with God with them. I have some opportunities coming up! That’s exciting!

When I am struggling or a challenge arises, I want to face it head on and finish strong in my walk with God. I want to embrace my responsibility for my actions and have the ability to humble myself when I’m wrong. While I cannot change the actions I have already committed, I am not a victim of my circumstances. I can be accountable for what I do.

“Do all things without grumbling or disputing,” – Philippians 2:14

There are some things I just absolutely loathe. One of those things is humbling myself to ask for forgiveness. It’s gotten easier as I practice forgiving myself and asking for forgiveness but at the same time, the level of humility I have to accept in order to correct my wrongs can be excruciatingly painful at times. It’s a lesson for my heart though and to keep my walk with God upright.

I think I will always struggle with obedience to God. I know I need to take Philippians 2:14 to heart when I am asked to do something. I need to work on accepting criticism and instruction from others. By being obedient to people like my boss and mother, I am demonstrating obedience to God.

“Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor.” – 1 Peter 2:17

“Honor your father and mother, and, You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” – Matthew 19:19

I started a race that will last me a lifetime. This time though, God is running beside me. He is encouraging me, uplifting me, humbling me, and through my actions, I will bring Him honor. I want to finish strong. I will finish well.

My Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank You for being with me at the start of this race. I am grateful for the strength and encouragement that You have provided. I desire to honor You in all my actions and I accept responsibility for my wrongdoings. You are my strength, my hope, and my joy. No one can take that away from me. My eyes are on the prize at the end of the finish line. With Your presence, I will never be alone and will be blessed with the fruits of Your Spirit. You have equipped me with the tools I need to run this race and to finish well. Please help me to reach for You at all times, in all things.

In Jesus’ name, Amen

The Darkness of PTSD

PTSD, short for post traumatic stress disorder, comes into a person’s life in a variety of forms. Every person on the planet has encountered someone with PTSD. Perhaps they have it themselves. It is very commonly associated with military, men and women alike. I cannot speak for others, I find myself getting annoyed with those who claim to understand what the military but have never served time in any of the branches of the military. Not many of us civilians have seen what our servicemen and women have seen, so what gives us the right to “understand” what they have experienced? I digress.

I can only speak of what has traumatized me in the short duration of my life and how I’ve learned to cope. I won’t even try to relate to those who have seen the fine art of war, the macabre of death, or the exclusiveness is killing. I simply cannot relate. In all situations, it’s a horror that defies description. Cannot. Be. Explained.

I have been abused. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. I am NOT a victim of those circumstances nor will I allow myself to be victimized again. However, the trauma I experienced has helped me grow as a person. Each situation was different. Each situation left an impression that is unique and distinctive. They allow me to empathize with other women who have been through similar experiences. I chose to take my trauma and learn from it. It was an opportunity to grow and become stronger. Women are strong and resilient.

Every day, I struggle. You can’t see it. You can’t fathom what I’m thinking. You cannot understand the darkness I live in from time to time unless you have personally experienced it for yourself. Today’s struggle has me in darkness.

No, I’m not suicidal. Suicidal people don’t make future plans. Especially not with people they care about and love. I also do not have a plan for that shit.

It’s just a weird dark place where I can’t communicate what’s in my head. I just want to be held. No talking. No words. Someone just wrap their arms around me and let me be. I might cry. I might be stone-still in your arms. Please don’t tell me to suck it up. I’d never say that to you.

Psalm 23:4 – Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Right now, I’m taking a short trip through that dark valley. I’m not reliving my past but rather, I’m feeling crowded by the darkness swirling in my brain. PTSD, for me, comes with residual darkness. It’s a jumble of negative emotions that rise to the surface of my being. The positivity I try to express on a daily basis can overwhelm me. I cannot be happy-go-lucky all the time. When the darkness emerges, I struggle to contain it. It’s not who I am. It’s not the real me.

Can I cry right now? Will you hold me while I cry? Please don’t tell me that it will be okay. Just be understanding and know that this happens on occasion. All I want to do is cry. Crying helps me. It’s very cleansing for me. Once I’ve shed tears, life resumes some semblance of normalcy. I can be me again.

Wait. I’ve never had anyone hold me while I’ve cried. Strange but true. Not even at a funeral. Sad but true. I wonder if my darkness would be less frequent and shorter-lived if someone did wrap their arms around me. I’ve had others cry on my shoulders. Yet, I’ve never done the same. Perhaps it’s part of my struggle in my darkness.

Suicide Note

I wouldn’t do it myself, but I understand the pain and courage it takes to commit suicide. In light of the two high-profile suicides this week, Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade, I have pondered death and the lives left behind.

If I were to end my life, this would be my note to the world…

My dearest loved ones,

Since you are reading my final farewell, there are some things you should know. I loved you all to the best of my ability. I know that this note will not bring you understanding, closure, or comfort.

I tried to be strong. I tried to find the hope and good in my life. Unfortunately, my strength was gone and I let go of the rope.

Dad, Mama, and Mom, I know you loved me. You’ve showed it and I saw it everywhere. Sadly, I couldn’t feel it. It was if those feelings were blocked by an impenetrable steel wall. You reached out to me. I knew I could open up, be vulnerable, and express my inner thoughts without judgment. I never found the words to say what needed to be said. Just always remember me and hold me close to your heart.

To my brother, you’re not going to have the right words to explain to my nieces why I’m not here to watch them grow up. Perhaps the best way to explain it is to tell them I am their special angel and I am watching them grow from heaven. I love them very much but that love was not enough to keep me here.

To the rest of those I love, I’m sorry. Sorry that I wasn’t strong enough to continue breathing in this life. Sorry that I cannot give you the comfort you seek during this difficult time. Sorry that I’ve left a hole and an ache in your heart that will never heal.

Just know that behind the smile, the laughter, and the love, the pain is now completely gone. I’m free from the anguish of my earthly existence.

I love you.

Just remember me.”

National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-TALK

Or you can talk to me. I’m always listening.