Heart of Hard Flesh

I am struggling. I’m not perfect by any means. Nor do I ever wish to be perfect. Perfection is a very difficult standard to live up to. Only one being on earth was ever perfect, God’s Son, Jesus Christ. Perfect is boring and I loathe boring.

I am not ready to discuss what I’m struggling with. It’s very personal and I’m still reeling from the situation. Right now, I just want to pray that God will give me perspective. I am trying to understand some things and I am hoping that the situation will be resolved in the future. I have no idea what the future holds. All I know is that for the last few weeks, I’ve been praying for something to be removed from my mind and my heart. I’ve asked for a guarded heart. Sadly, I’ve asked for a heart of stone. Bear in mind, the situation I’m struggling with is extremely painful for me. It happened at the worst time, in the midst of a severe depression and took me to the brink of suicide. I was rejected by someone I deeply loved, cared for, and trusted. My heart was wide open. Perhaps that was my first mistake after 30 years of having walls around my heart. My heart was put into a blender and pulsed into oblivion.

I felt worthless. I felt insignificant. I felt unwanted. In my mind, I had no value. I was unimportant and I didn’t matter to anyone. Rejected. Abandoned. Hopeless. Degraded. Destroyed. Stabbed. Cast aside. Dejected. Trashed.  Thrown away like a used garbage plate trash.

I felt unloved.

I cried for several days. I still cry.  I may never get over this situation. Only God can heal my heart. But, I want a heart of stone. I want a heart that will never be broken again. I would deny myself if that’s what it takes. During the process of this situation, I have torn myself apart. Degraded myself and self-worth. Honestly, I know where these thoughts come from and they certainly do not come from God Himself. It’s all Satan and his vainglorious attempts to take me to the depths of hell. That’s one place I have no desire to be. However, it feels like that living on earth sometimes; hell on earth. It comes from being imperfectly perfect.

I still want a heart of stone. I do not ever want to be rejected by another person ever again. I refuse to trust. I refuse to love. Yes, my stubbornness is coming out. In reality, the only being I want my heart soft for is God and Jesus.

“And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” – Ezekiel 36:26

Father, please don’t.

My walls are back up and right where they should be. I should never have taken them down. I had prayed about it when I first did; at that moment, everything was secure and I felt safe. I no longer feel safe. I no longer trust anyone. I no longer love.

It took me a few days to shake what I was feeling about myself. I needed to see myself through God’s eyes and not another human’s. God doesn’t make mistakes; People make mistakes. I made a mistake in trusting and believing. It feels like it was all a game. I hope it was worth it. While I am feeling the loss, in the end, I know who I am and only God’s opinion of me is what matters.

I still want that heart of stone.

“His heart is hard as a stone, hard as the lower millstone.” – Job 41:24

It’s the only way I will get through this season. Perhaps even the rest of my days.

Here’s the good news for me…

I know I am loved. I am loved by the One who gives UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. You don’t have to love me. In fact, at times, I really don’t want anyone’s love. Not because I don’t think I don’t deserve it but rather, it might be a waste of time for you as I won’t reciprocate it. Unrequited love is the worst possible thing on earth. To love someone who doesn’t love you back is just awful.

Just called me “Elsa”, the Ice Queen. Oh yes, I’ve been called that many times. One person said I was one of the most “uncaring, unloving, beautiful women” he had ever met. Good. Now let’s get back to it.

I know in God’s eyes, I am worthy. He wouldn’t have sent Jesus to die on the cross for me if I wasn’t worthy of something. I am important. Every one of God’s children has a purpose on this earth, during this temporal existence. I have value. The Proverbs woman is worth more than rubies and so am I. I’ve never been rejected by God. Not once. He’s been waiting while I’ve rejected Him.  I’ve rejected Him a LOT! I don’t have to be perfect to have God’s perfect love.

One thing I’ve learned is that I do not have to trust or believe anyone but God. I will have my heart of hard flesh once again.

You Say – Lauren Daigle

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know (ooh oh)

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe (I), oh I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe

The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me
In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity, (ooh oh)

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe (I), oh I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
Oh, I believe

Taking all I have and now I'm laying it at Your feet
You have every failure God, and You'll have every victory, (ooh oh)

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe (I), oh I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe

Oh I believe (I), yes I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
Oh I believe (oh)

 

Finding Purpose in God’s Plan

I am a planner. I have to know what I’m doing and when.  It’s a struggle some days when life throws a curve ball that I can’t catch. Depression, and overcoming it, is truly one of life’s lemons.  I am learning how to make lemonade though.  It’s sweetness completely depends upon what God has planned for me that day. Depression, and all that accompanies it, is a day-to-day battle.

“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” – Jeremiah 29:13

Let me be clear about something in regards to my depression. When I’m in the throes of a deep depression, to the point of suicidal ideation, I don’t want to find joy or think about things that might make me happy. I want to curl up on my bed and wallow in my tears. I have no motivation to do much of anything. I’m argumentative and easily agitated during this period. Emotionally distraught, I tend to shut down and shut people out.

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” – Matthew 11:28

My mind was in a very dark place but I heard God calling me. He was offering me respite from the darkness. The next thing I know, I was on my knees calling out to Him. It wasn’t easy. The tears were flowing down my face. I spent most of the time in silence, waiting to hear my Heavenly Father speak to me. I heard Him. He was telling me to reach out, not only to seek Him, but to bring some very special people closer to me. I needed accountability to overcome what I was going through. One of the hardest things I had to do was face myself and to lay my heart out to these women. I continued to pray before I picked up my phone to send the first of many text messages. I never realized how much I needed to have Godly women in my life. When I started the process of reaching out, I felt a light come on inside of me. There was a yearning that I hadn’t felt before. I had to humble myself in order to feel God’s presence.

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you,” – 1 Peter 5:6

Admitting that I needed God to combat the demons of darkness that were waging a war in my mind was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Only God could cast out my demons. He is doing just that and I believe He has used my depression to draw me nearer to Him. It’s my fault that I never looked to the heavens first when I was trying to battle depression on my own. I never acknowledged God or even that He had a plan for me.

I’ve spent a good portion of my life searching for my purpose. I have wasted precious time focused on the things I have failed to accomplish. I failed at marriage. I failed at motherhood. I have failed at finding love. I have wasted time on the wrong people, those who loved me for what I could do for them, and when I failed at that, I failed their expectations of me. The bottom line is that I have felt like a failure and that I had no purpose in life.  Boy, was I wrong! The only place where I have truly failed was in not seeking God first in my life.

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” – Matthew 6:33

By putting God first these past two weeks, I have seen a change in my heart. It doesn’t matter to me if others have seen it; for some people, visualizing change takes time. I’m on God’s time and I refuse to fail Him. I know I will disappoint the people in my life but this time, it does not matter. I am learning to not be so caught up in what others think of me. Over the last two weeks, I have still been searching for a purpose for my life in God’s plan for me. As I walk faithfully towards Him, I know that He will use me to His benefit.

As I take my baby steps, my faith grows. Trust is still a struggle though. I wish I could say that it is difficult to trust in something that I cannot see but I see God every day, in every thing. God isn’t just in the things that we find beautiful; He is in the sunsets and sunrises and bouquets of flowers.  He is also in the thunderstorms and the floods and things that many people find to be ugly. The situation doesn’t matter; God is there!

“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.” – Proverbs 19:21

At one point in my life, I had plans and goals for myself. Each of those plans fell through. Now, my only plan is to look to God for my purpose in this life.  There’s a joke that goes something like this:  If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plansI know there have been a few occasions where I’ve made Him laugh. I’ve tried to plan my life but God has thwarted those plans. He has His reasons. I’ve seen some of those reasons in hindsight. I’ve been protected during those moments.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” – Jeremiah 29:11

God has protected me in so many ways. He has provided me with a direction that may have seem detrimental to my life but everything I have done has had a purpose. The good, the bad, and the ugly has all been orchestrated by the hands of God. While I have felt like I have failed in the things I had wished to accomplish, the reality is that I’ve only failed God by not looking to Him for guidance. I’m at the point to where I refuse to fail God for the remainder of my days. I do not know my purpose, but I am asking Him to use me however He wants. I’ve turned my life over to God and He will give me a purpose that has prosperity beyond measure.

“Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established.” – Proverbs 16:3

“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” – Proverbs 16:9

I can make all the plans I want. BUT are they the plans God has made for me? My will is not my own. My plans are not my own. My life is not my own.

“Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life.” – Proverbs 54:4

Finishing Well

I used to run. I ran a lot a few years back. I have medals from running 5ks and even a medal from running a half marathon. When I ran these races, I didn’t worry about the time it took for me to finish the course. I simply wanted to finish. I’ve always loved the freedom that running brought to my head. I had mental clarity, my emotions were in check as running was an outlet for my frustrations, and my physical fitness was decent. I haven’t ran in many years and I have excuse upon excuse upon excuse as to why I don’t run anymore. I blame other things instead of accepting responsibility and just doing it. I will have to work on that. I am a work in progress and God isn’t through with me until He tells me it’s time to come home to Him.

“But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God.” – Acts 20:24

On June 16, 2020, I started something. I began a renewal of my relationship with God. I have always had God in my life but never have I ever felt His presence more than I do now.  Some events have happened in my life that left me in a state of despair. This situation caused me to learn a few things, some of which are sadly negative and a huge cup of reality, and others have shown me how displaced I really was. The biggest thing I’ve learned is how to not trust people. That’s sad when all we have in life is each other. One thought that was on my mind was about how I’m currently living with my mom. (I’ve had a recurring dream about something I’m not ready to discuss.) When she is gone, I will have no one left. It will be just me and I will die alone.  That is painfully sad. Nobody should ever die alone. We have God but it’s nice to know that we are loved during our time on earth.

I just want to finish the mission God has placed upon me well before I die.

“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” – 2 Timothy 4:7

That’s no small feat! When God put me back on the path to Him, my heart knew that I would have a challenge in front of me. I’m still not sure of what that challenge is or even what my purpose is. I only know of the rewards that await me in heaven. I plan to stay the course and finish strong. In the meantime, I have established goals for myself. The most important goal is to ensure that God comes first. This morning, I got on my knees and prayed. I had to. Something is plaguing me and I have continuously asked God to take it away. This situation that I have asked for removal is like the bratty sibling that constantly wants to invade your privacy when you are with your friends or need to be alone. Even right now, it’s in the back of my mind and I am patiently waiting for God to eradicate it from my brain and heart. But, at the same time, there’s nothing but love there. Painful love.

“pray without ceasing,” – 1 Thessalonians 5:7

I don’t ever stop praying. I prayed for each person I came into contact with yesterday. I prayed for some friends, whom I know are struggling, and I prayed for opportunities to arise so that I can share my relationship with God with them. I have some opportunities coming up! That’s exciting!

When I am struggling or a challenge arises, I want to face it head on and finish strong in my walk with God. I want to embrace my responsibility for my actions and have the ability to humble myself when I’m wrong. While I cannot change the actions I have already committed, I am not a victim of my circumstances. I can be accountable for what I do.

“Do all things without grumbling or disputing,” – Philippians 2:14

There are some things I just absolutely loathe. One of those things is humbling myself to ask for forgiveness. It’s gotten easier as I practice forgiving myself and asking for forgiveness but at the same time, the level of humility I have to accept in order to correct my wrongs can be excruciatingly painful at times. It’s a lesson for my heart though and to keep my walk with God upright.

I think I will always struggle with obedience to God. I know I need to take Philippians 2:14 to heart when I am asked to do something. I need to work on accepting criticism and instruction from others. By being obedient to people like my boss and mother, I am demonstrating obedience to God.

“Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor.” – 1 Peter 2:17

“Honor your father and mother, and, You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” – Matthew 19:19

I started a race that will last me a lifetime. This time though, God is running beside me. He is encouraging me, uplifting me, humbling me, and through my actions, I will bring Him honor. I want to finish strong. I will finish well.

My Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank You for being with me at the start of this race. I am grateful for the strength and encouragement that You have provided. I desire to honor You in all my actions and I accept responsibility for my wrongdoings. You are my strength, my hope, and my joy. No one can take that away from me. My eyes are on the prize at the end of the finish line. With Your presence, I will never be alone and will be blessed with the fruits of Your Spirit. You have equipped me with the tools I need to run this race and to finish well. Please help me to reach for You at all times, in all things.

In Jesus’ name, Amen

God’s Not Dead

God has never been dead. Pushed aside, ignored, defamed, and a few other things for certain but never dead. He is the Alpha and the Omega. He was present before the earth was formed and man existed. I can’t fathom it. Can you? He has existed for all time and eternity.  I’m sure the question “Where was He when “this or that” happened?” Well, I can tell you where He was but would you believe me? Could you accept the words that are coming out of my mouth? Please, leave me a comment telling me the TRUTH about your perception of where God was during whatever struggles you were going through.

My God’s not dead
He’s surely alive
He’s living on the inside
Roaring like a lion
God’s not dead
He’s surely alive
He’s living on the inside
Roaring like a lion

Roaring, He’s roaring, He’s roaring like a lion

Let hope arise and make the darkness hide
My faith is dead I need resurrection somehow
Now I’m lost in Your freedom
In this world I’ll overcome

God’s Not Dead – Newsboys

God lives in us all. I have shaken Him awake inside of me. Now, I feel more alive than ever. I am free. I’m not perfect though. Please, don’t think that I have a God complex or confuse my faith with self-righteousness. I am human. I have flaws. I have faults. I am DEFINITELY not perfect. Nor do I wish to be. Perfect is boring. Like Barbie. That doll has it all.  Except she has no soul.  Hahaha!

There is a revolution happening inside my heart. I can feel the battle raging. God wants my heart. He is calling me to Him and I am heading in His direction. One step at a time.

“He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.” – Psalm 23:3

When I look around, I realize that God has been present in my life the entire time. He’s been waiting for me to ask Him to intervene in my life and restore me to Him. God has more patience with me than I can possibly understand! As much as I want to believe I am an awful person, simply based upon the things I’ve done in the past, my heart knows that I have been forgiven and the past has been erased by God. I’m not a bad person; I’ve just made some bad decisions and the consequences have drawn me nearer to God.

“So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand.” – Romans 7:21

How true that is! I find myself walking right into the thick of temptation when I’m trying to stay focused on God. Thankfully, my Father in Heaven always provides a way out for me. In my mindfulness of Him, I find myself growing stronger in my faith and the boundaries I have set. I need God more than ever before. Wait, I’ve always needed Him; I just haven’t allowed Him into my life consistently.  Now, He’s roaring like a lion inside of me. I have woken God up!

“Remember, then, what you received and heard. Keep it, and repent. If you will not wake up, I will come like a thief, and you will not know at what hour I will come against you.” – Revelation 3:3

Maybe He has woken me up. My eyes are completely open to see where I need to repent. For that, I am grateful to Him.

“Wake up from your drunken stupor, as is right, and do not go on sinning. For some have no knowledge of God. I say this to your shame.” – 1 Corinthians 15:34

When I first got on my knees a couple of weeks ago, I cried. My heart was hurting. My soul felt empty. I was dead on the inside, which could only mean that God was laying dormant. I couldn’t feel anything. I couldn’t feel love. I couldn’t feel compassion. I couldn’t feel anything other than the deadening of my soul. Deep within the recesses of my brain, I knew something needed to change: Me. I had to ask God to come back into my life. I did just that. Now, He’s present with a vengeance.

“O Lord, God of vengeance, O God of vengeance, shine forth!” – Psalm 94:1

He is ever present in my thoughts now. I can see and feel His presence in my daily activities. My language has changed. I think yesterday is the first time in several days that I thought the “f” word in my head. It didn’t come out of my mouth though! Oh thank you, Jesus! I’m notorious for the “f-bomb”, especially at work. Having God in my heart and creating a new heart for me has made me mindful of how I present God to others. He is alive on the inside of me!

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” – Psalm 51:10

It’s Not My Problem

Oh how I’ve said that a lot in my life! I think we all have. I really believe the problems of others are not my issue. However, those problems cannot be overcome without God’s help. Which means, when we come together and are united in Christ, there is more power to overcome the struggles we face. God didn’t design Adam to live in social isolation; He created Eve as a companion.

Think for a moment… Why is the situation at hand not your problem? Is it because you don’t want to become involved? Is it because you want to fix it for someone else but don’t know how? Is it because you don’t want to be held responsible for the outcome? I don’t like to involve myself in other people’s relationships. I have a friend who is constantly telling me that they are going to file for divorce. It’s been said so many times that I’ve gotten to where I roll my eyes and I do not believe them. In fact, after the last time the comment was made, all I said was “Okay”. I was very apathetic and unbelieving of the words. I didn’t even understand the point of why they were telling me this. It’s not like I was interested in having a relationship with this person. I can see through the lies. A couple of days later, I sent my friend this text:

I know you weren’t expecting my response when you told me you were filing for divorce but try looking at it from my perspective. You’ve been saying that for over a year now. Did you really expect me to believe you? I never told anyone I was divorcing L until I actually filed. So, when you actually do it, I’ll be supportive. Divorce is hard no matter what. Our time is over, so I’ll always be your friend no matter what.”

Was I wrong to say what I said? I don’t think so. My friend’s issue is not my issue but what I can do is pray for them. I also know quite a bit about the relationship and I believe if they focused on God, they will be able to work out the challenges in their relationships.

“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” – James 5:16

My problems are not unique. At some point, we’ve all had the same problems or even issues with similarities. What makes me different, is that I’m learning to rely on God to help me with the issues. God is not going to fix it for me, but He will lead me in the direction He wants me to take. I have a huge issue with men and physical attraction. Every day for the last 10 or so days, I have been on my knees, begging God to remove this temptation from me. He won’t cure me of my struggles but He will provide a way out

“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” – 1 Corinthians 10:13

Right now, I’m tempted to not finish this blog and go get a cup of coffee. Or go back to bed. I digress, I have to work today.

Jumping right back into an issue when I haven’t healed is another challenge I face constantly. I have a tendency to be very impatient. Until recently, I had internally fought against the idea of waiting on God. Had I been doing what God has been asking of me, I might not have had to suffer the consequences of my actions. Waiting on Him has become a priority. I am rather excited to see what happened when I wait for His sweet timing in my life!!

“keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ that leads to eternal life.” – Jude 1:21

God is very interested in our problems. He won’t fix them or remove them from our lives, but He will help us take the necessary steps that draw us closer to Him. Remember the “still, small voice” I posted about yesterday?

“Therefore we must pay much closer attention to what we have heard, lest we drift away from it.” – Hebrews 2:1

When life gets difficult, it is easier to turn away from God and try to solve the problems ourselves. It doesn’t work very well, does it? He is there, on the back burner, waiting for us to call on Him so He can show us the way.

“And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” – Psalm 139:24

“And you know the way to where I am going.” – John 14:4

God knows where we are going. He knows every struggle we will face before we face it. He will provide the way out from under temptation. I don’t want God to remove my problems. Although, I will admit, I would like them not so hard! But He does give me ways to overcome the issues. I’m still learning how to listen for Him and seek His guidance. Work in progress, people.  Work in progress.

Let Freedom Ring!

Maybe I should have waited until July 4th to write something about freedom. Today’s study was on freedom so I’m feeling rather compelled to share it. Please allow me to provide some background first.

I’ve always felt that God’s laws and rules for my life were too restrictive. I bucked against authority and believed that my way was best for me. It seemed that I could do pretty much anything I chose and that my choices were my ultimate happiness. The choices I made would give me freedom and happiness. I believed that I would be happy being married. So, I married a good man, L.  He is a good man but not a Godly man. There is a HUGE difference. I was happy being married but there were things in my marriage that were not providing the happiness I believed I needed. The happiness was superficial and unfulfilling. There were things I thought should happen in a marriage that weren’t happening. I made the conscious decision to marry L. That was my choice, despite hearing a voice that said not to. Even my step mother asked me if I was sure about marrying him. Wait…  Before you assume that L is some awful person, let me assure you that he is not. He was good to me while we were married. There were just some things in our marriage that were being swept under the rug and ignored. Actually, I was living under a cloud of depression and begging for help. I had become suicidal and I couldn’t find my voice to state what I needed. It wasn’t his fault that communication had become stagnant and frustrating. I was unhappy and searching for the wrong kind of happiness. I made the decision to leave, believing that I needed freedom. Freedom from the confines of being responsible to and for someone else; freedom from marriage.  Because of my decision to undo what God had created, I have been left to suffer the consequences of my choices. Trust me, I’ve made some pretty bad choices since then. I have been enslaved to the bad decisions, foolishly believing I would be happy and have peace. I also was under the impression that God was dictating my life.  Well, that was certainly not true since I was not listening to Him nor did I have a close relationship with Him. However, God was sitting on the back burner, waiting for me to chose Him.  That’s what I did when I started writing again last week.

I chose God. As hard as it is to submit to His authority and laws, my heart knows there is freedom in obeying Him.

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” – 2 Corinthians 3:17

I do not necessarily have the freedom to do whatever I want, but rather, I have the freedom to make the right choices. Those choices I make in obedience to God will be free of negative consequences and bring forth peace. I’m calling on God every time I need to make a choice, whether it’s big or small. There are things I already know with certainty:

  1. The Holy Spirit lives in me.
  2. God is always present.
  3. The consequences of my actions are something that I cannot escape from.
  4. Freedom comes from obedience to God’s word.

With the first statement, it means I have to be still, quiet, and listen.

And he said, “Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord.” And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper. And when Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. And behold, there came a voice to him and said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” ”  – 1 Kings 19:11-13

Elijah heard a whisper. That whisper was God talking to him. During the wind, earthquake, and fire, there was a stillness. A quiet moment where Elijah could hear God. When there is noise, it is difficult for me to hear God. I do not necessarily mean background noise, other people talking, and the like. I mean the voices in my head where I tend to over analyze and overthink certain situations. For example, I’ve been going through something for the last month where I have been twisting and overthinking about someone else’s words when I just need to let it go so that I can focus on God. I am now letting it go. It’s no longer my problem and I’ve given it to God to work on. It’s been quite freeing!

The second, God will talk to me when I seek Him by actively doing the first statement. The only way to talk to God is through prayer.  Moses prayed. Abraham prayed. Sarah prayed. Ruth prayed. Jesus prayed.

“In these days he went out to the mountain to pray, and all night he continued in prayer to God.” – Luke 6:12

I am trying to keep an active prayer in my heart at all times. I’m learning to lean on God to get me through the difficult times and to always praise Him, especially when things don’t go my way or the way I expect them to.

Some of the consequences have come at a very high price. I’ve hurt others and I’ve hated myself for it. Emotional scars run deep. I still have scars on my heart that may never heal. For 30 years, I’ve kept my heart closed. I’ve gone through the motions of loving someone, but never really felt it. I’m sorry for that. I opened my heart a few months back and I got hurt again. I wasn’t being obedient and now, the hurt is the consequence. Not to mention, I’ve closed up again. I’m guarded and I don’t trust. My walls are back in place. I feel like that is what needs to happen and stay that way. At this time, I refuse to get close to anyone except a few of my amazing, female Christian friends. I do need their support and love. Hopefully, they will help me to stay focused on God and His wonderful timing for a life of peace and happiness!  It is the abundant life I am seeking in Him.

“Therefore thus says the Lord God: Because you have forgotten me and cast me behind your back, you yourself must bear the consequences of your lewdness and whoring.” – Ezekiel 23:25

Yes. Yes. Yes. This verse says something rather important; I am to bear the consequences of my behaviors and actions. So many times I have acted without God being fully present in my life. Now, I’m dealing with the end results. I’ve asked for forgiveness, not only from God but also from those I’ve hurt. The hardest part is always forgiving myself for what I’ve done and moving on.  I do not particularly care if others forgive me despite me asking for their forgiveness. People are trite and will say anything to make themselves look good and feel better about themselves. My request for forgiveness is genuine and heartfelt. God knows my heart and where I’m headed.

“Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God.” – 1 Peter 2:16

“For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.” – Galatians 5:1

The choices we make can free us or entrap us in a life of sinful slavery. I’ve spent a good many years enslaved to the world based upon my ungodly choices. I’m done. It has not been a happy or peaceful or free life.  It has been greedy and selfish.  With those as my past focus, I have gained nothing but hurt. I’m done with trying to please others but at the same time, I’m not about to do things that are pleasing to myself. I want to do things that will keep God close to me and bring me freedom.  As I look back on my life, I see how I was ensnared by Satan’s lies. I believed a serpent, just as Eve did when she ate of the fruit in the garden. I ate of the fruit of the world. I know what makes me happy in a physical sense, but it doesn’t give me the peace I need to survive this world and have the abundant life that God has promised me. That’s what I am seeking.

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” – Romans 12:2

Dear Heavenly Father,

I want to thank You for this time of renewal. The past week has been hard but it has brought me peace. I’ve let go of the things that have kept me a slave to the world. I can feel my relationship with You growing stronger. I feel like I can finally breath and become the woman You have destined me to be. I know who I am and I’m loving the person I’m becoming. She is smart; she is strong; she is beautiful. Please, Father, remind me to only seek value within You. Please quiet my spirit so that I may hear You and obey Your Word. Please help me to understand the consequences when I take matters into my own hands instead of searching for the freedom found in You.

In Jesus’ name, Amen

 

What is LOVE?

You know you sang the title.

But, what is love? Love means so many different things to so many different people. I’ve heard some women say, “I know my spouse/boyfriend/significant other loves me because they did ___________________________ (fill in the blank)”. Ask my mom how she knows I love her. She will tell you it’s because I cook, do the dishes, carry the laundry downstairs, play with the dog, and do all the heavy lifting around the house. Ask the dog how she knows I love her and she will probably want you to pet her while she nips at your nose. She’s a dog. I give her water, snacks, and force her to go outside. Sometimes we go for walks. I gave her a bath once, in hopes that she would dislike me and not want all of my attention. It didn’t work. That dog thinks I’m the greatest thing since Kraft American sliced cheese (her favorite treat).

What is Godly love? It is the love we give without conditions.

“I love you but…” Ugh! I cannot stand when people say that. If you are expecting something in return for your emotions, then why do you love that person? It’s as if you need to have something in order to give something. The world is full of people who take; why not try to give sometime?

“Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.” – 1 John 4:8

I’ve read this verse before. I read it again today. It has a profound impact on the way I love others. I have no expectations. My love has no expectations.

“Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” – John 15:13

Jesus laid down His life for us – no questions asked. God gave up His Son, whom He sent to earth to do His work, to call His children back to the fold, and to restore a lifeline that had been severed when Eve ate the apple in the garden. There were no arguments when it came time for Jesus to die on the cross. Even while hanging on the cross, Jesus demonstrated love. He asked God to forgive the people.

“And Jesus said, ‘Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.'” – Luke 23:34a

Many of the people during that time did not fully comprehend the love that Jesus had for them. Still today, God’s love isn’t easy to understand. Questions like, “if God loved us, why do so many bad things happen in the world?” or “God doesn’t love me. If He did, then why did he take my parent/spouse/child from me?” or the even more popular question, “If God really loved me, then why did He allow _______________________ to die?”

God does love us. He loves you. He loves me. Those above questions stem from the human inability to give unconditional love. Jesus was the epitome of unconditional love when He died on the cross for us. That love is demonstrated in so many personal ways. You may find it in a sunset or a simple cup of coffee. You may even feel it when your child runs up to you when you come home from work.

Physical love is different than emotional love. I used to believe that the only way I could feel someone loved me was through physical gratification. Yes, sex. Physical love is fleeting! It took me many years to stop believing that love was only physical and that if I loved someone, they needed my body. For many years, I believed that if my spouse didn’t have sex with me, then he didn’t love me. Wrong! This way of thinking is so detrimental to a woman’s mental health. It has nearly destroyed me on many occasions.

CONFESSION: I used to meet random guys and have sex with them just so I could feel that I was loved for a moment. I cared about these guys but I didn’t truly love them. After the act was over, I would wrestle with the genuineness of my emotions and mental health. It never ceases to amaze me how that one act can alter the wiring in your brain when it is not done within the bound of marriage as God has ordained.

Several years ago, during my last marriage, I made a conscious decision to emulate Christ’s love for His people. I decided that I would learn how to love unconditionally. At that time, I often heard myself say, “I love you but…” and I didn’t like that. I didn’t want to put a price tag on my love for others. Honestly, I don’t think I could put a greater price on my love than the love God has for us. I would die before I gave up the life of a child. Yes, I would give up my life rather than see a child die. I’ve been pretty successful in voicing my unconditional love; I’m still working on demonstrating it. Work in progress, as usual. I’ll get there.

A more recent decision I’ve made is to not have sex again until marriage. I learned a long time ago that sex within the boundaries of a God-ordained marriage is way better than sex outside of marriage. Someone, please hit me in the head if I ever forget that! It won’t be easy, especially because I’m so used to having this in my life. However, it is a very accepted worldly trait. It won’t be easy. Sex is the physical act of love deemed wonderful and beautiful within the boundaries of marriage as God has commanded. Outside of marriage, sex is temporary and unfulfilling. I’m tired of being unfulfilled. So I will wait on God and His perfect timing for love. God’s love for me will last far beyond any feelings I would have here on earth.

“Give thanks to the God of gods, for his steadfast love endures forever.” – Psalm 136:2

Dear Heavenly Father,

I come before you to confess my desire for love in all forms. Please help me to understand how You love me, as You gave up Your Son for me to have a life in heaven with You. Please help me to be strong when temptation arises and not give in to the temporary love that is found on earth. Please continue to teach me how to demonstrate the beauty of Your love and the permanence of the fulfillment found in Your embrace. Allow me opportunities to show my love for others and a continuing obedience to You. You have commanded Your children to love one another and so I shall.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

 

Traveling a Narrow Path

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

The Road Less Taken – Robert Frost

When I chose to walk the narrow path, I knew it would not be easy. As I was standing at my crossroads, I knew I could not follow Jesus and follow the world.  The world with its wicked pleasures and false sense of security! Every little indulgence that promises happiness is a fake, phoney, disruption of the truth. It is only in truth that a genuine happiness can be found.

One thought that has been running through my head this past week (and it’s popped up quite frequently – I’d say at least once a day) is…

Why am I trying to fit in when I was born to stand out?

I always wanted to be popular in high school. Hang out with the “A” crowd, be a cheerleader who dated a football player, the one girl that was invited to all the hot parties, etc. I wanted to be liked by everyone. I wanted people to know my name. Sadly, it was a blow to my self-esteem that I had never fit in. I still don’t fit in as an adult. I am learning to live with that and to accept that.  The reality is, the only person who has to accept me on this earth, is me.

God accepts me as I am. I am HIS daughter. I am loved, cherished, and valued by God.

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” – Romans 12:2

I’ve spent the last 47 years of my life searching for acceptance on earth. I’ve been disappointed every time. People are flawed; I’m flawed. Imperfectly perfect as Heidi Powell would say. Over the last week, I’ve spent a lot of time with God. I’ve spent time on my knees praying. I’ve shed enough tears to fill an ocean. I’ve been waking up early every morning to start my day with God.

Now, I do not particularly care if the people on this planet like me, love me, or accept me. It is not my place to seek solace in mankind. My value and worth comes from God. He is my judge and the only Being that can deem me to be worthy to inherit richly treasures that exceed my comprehension.

“Man does not know its worth, and it is not found in the land of the living.” – Job 28:13

“I tell you this, brothers: flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable.”  – 1 Corinthians 15:50

Imagine you are standing on a platform. There is no way to get down from this pillar. You are hungry and the only source of food is on another platform, across the way. There is a rope connected to between your platform and the other; the rope isn’t very wide or thick. The platform with the food has a ladder leading down to the ground. When you look down, you see that the people look like ants milling about and you feel faint from the height. You can smell the delicious food, but are looking down at the people on the ground. It’s a long ways down! You tremble with trepidation and fear begins to consume you. The food is beckoning you, calling you to come satisfy your hunger. Although you are afraid, you take that first step. Unsure, unsecure, a bit wobbly, but your foot is on the rope. You take another step. Then another, becoming more balanced than the first step. You have your eyes on the prize: the delicious food. You pause, listening to the grumbling of your stomach, and try to regain your balance on the narrow rope. You reach your arms out, not only for balance but also to possibly reach what is ahead. Step by step, you grow closer and closer to the food. Your fear begins to dissipate and you focus in on what is in front of you. A quick glance behind you shows how far you’ve come. Don’t look down though; you aren’t a part of the crowd and they are not a part of your journey.  Keep your eyes ahead, you zone in on the platform and keep walking. Finally, with one last step, you have reached your reward.

“For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.” – Matthew 7:14

God is on that other platform but in order for us to reach Him, we have to take the first step and walk the narrow path that He has placed us on. He is our food!  Our life-sustaining food! That narrow path He has set before us has no room for the treasures of earth.

I will admit that I have some fears about the ever-narrowing path I’m on. At the same time, I also know I’m finally on solid ground.  My relationship with God is growing and I am tasting the food He is providing.

“For I do not want you to be unaware, brothers, that our fathers were all under the cloud, and all passed through the sea, and all were baptized into Moses in the cloud and in the sea, and all ate the same spiritual food, and all drank the same spiritual drink. For they drank from the spiritual Rock that followed them, and the Rock was Christ.” – 1 Corinthians 10:1-4

Jesus is our food, people.  I hunger for God and His Son more than anything. Only God can take care of my hunger, my thirst, and the void in my heart. Are you hungry enough to walk the narrow path? If you are, then it’s time to set aside your fears. I will warn you though, you will stumble. It’s because we are human and therefore imperfect and prone to sin.

I’m not walking my path alone. I find great comfort in that. I can feel God’s presence and it fills me. I am walking alongside Him and when I grow too weary to walk, I know that God is carrying me. I will have to step outside of the path on occasion; there may be several reasons for this. Whatever those reasons are, it will be to help me grow and go further in my walk with Christ. I did step out of my comfort zone today and I shared the life-changes I have been making this past week. I shared them with my doctor. She didn’t think it was weird, although, I did preface my statement with “You’ll think this is weird”. I don’t know what she believes or what her faith is or even if she is a follower of Jesus but I planted a seed by proclaiming my walk.

I can only hope and pray that my walk will inspire someone else to seek the narrow path and obtain the right food to fill their bodies.

“Then you will walk on your way securely, and your foot will not stumble.” – Proverbs 3:23

Waiting on Him

I was listening to John Waller’s song While I’m Waiting earlier today…

“I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait”

There are things in this life that my heart desires. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life on earth alone. However, if that is God’s will, I will accept it. I’m learning to be patient and wait for my needs to be provided for. One crucial thing: only God can fill the void in a human heart. I won’t ever find comfort in a man’s arms until I can find comfort in God.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort.” – 2 Corinthians 1:3

So, I’ve made the decision to wait. Wait for what? I have no idea. But I’m going to wait until God decides to give me what is His Will for me. I already know I will be impatient. I will be frustrated. I may even get angry at times. I could kick, scream, cry, and throw the very same temper-tantrum that a 3 year-old would when they can’t have a cookie. Yes, I am quite capable of doing all those things; after all, I am a child of God.

“I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God.” – Psalm 69:3

It will be exhausting waiting on God to provide my heart’s desires. Not everything I want in life will be given to me. If it doesn’t jive with what God’s plans are for me, then when I make piss-poor choices, my life will go awry. I already know this, God! I know when I’ve made some really bad decisions and I’ve had to live with the consequences. It has not been fun to untangle the web that I created with my attitude on doing whatever I wanted. If anything it has only served to bring me misery. There. I said it. I’ve been miserable in the choices I’ve made for myself instead of listening to God. What’s ironic about all of this is that that I know that God was watching. He was sitting in the back, where I ushered Him, with His feet propped up and munching on a bowl of popcorn. Yummy. I’m quite certain it has been a very entertaining show so far.

“Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!” – Psalm 27:14

I was texting with my friend T this evening, moments before typing this blog. He actually inspired it. Our conversations are always appropriate, God-driven, and nurturing. Tonight’s conversation was no different. T is an incredible man that any God-fearing woman would be blessed to have. Heck! I’m just blessed to call him my friend! T and I met on a dating site. We exchanged a few messages back and forth but it never really went any further than that. In fact, we’ve never met in person.What? Yep. We’ve never met face to face. One of these days we will. God willing! I digress. T and I were discussing relationships and he has assumed that I had gotten married. For the record, I’m not married and I’m not even close to thinking about it right now. My focus is on strengthening my relationship with God. That’s all that matters. T is single too. I told him that he’ll find someone. God has a plan for all of us.

T’s response? “I’m waiting on Him.”

Please, allow me to repeat that… I’m waiting on Him.

This has been my mantra all day.  I want to wait for God. I’ve been praying about that statement all day. But to see it in a text message from T, was all I needed today. The tears came next. I know I put too much stock in having a relationship with a man. Perhaps it’s overrated at this conjuncture in my life. I know what I have to do right now. In this season. It will be the hardest thing I have ever done. Yet, I know it will be the most rewarding. Please, Father, grant me some patience? I’m going to need it as I wait on You. I have to close several doors. I’ve already started doing that and from a physical perspective, it’s been rather refreshing and freeing. I want to stay away from relationships that can create a disturbance in my relationship with God. Is that even possible?

“Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man it is impossible, but not with God. For all things are possible with God.'” – Mark 10:27

I simply cannot do much of anything without God’s help. I know He is there for me and will remove temptations from my path. He will provide a way out and surround me with His Warriors to protect me when I feel weak. As long as I stay focused and keep my eyes on the rewards that can only be found in heaven, I will wait.

Dearest Father,

You and only You know the deepest desires of my heart. A woman’s heart is as vast as the ocean and often filled beyond capacity. I ask that You guide me as You see fit so that I may strengthen the bond I have with You.  You are my Father and have made me Your daughter. Please teach me patience, just as You have taught me to give unconditional love.Please help me to stay on the narrow path and to fully understand how You are carrying me during the hardest times of my earthly life. I know You have plans for me to prosper, to have peace, and to be loved. My heart knows that You only have the best in mind for me. I ask that You provide Your will for me in Your time.

In Jesus’ name, Amen

Living a Lie (Or All of Them)

I’ve been so caught up in things that should not matter in the worldly sense. I’ve become lost. Over the last few weeks I have been in a state of depression. No real rhyme or reason. I’ve accepted it as something that just happens on occasion. I have enough sense to reach out when it gets ugly for me or my actions are not on par with where my brain needs to be. But, I digress, and need to discuss something that has my focus at this time. I hope that my focus will continue on the path I started a few days ago. I’m praying for it.

“But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until full day.” – Proverbs 4:18

It’s not an easy path to walk when you decide to walk with God. God doesn’t promise an easy life. He promises an abundant life. What does that mean? I had to look the word up in the dictionary, surprisingly weird since I do know how to use the word properly in a sentence.  The word abundant,  according to Dictionary.com, means “present in great quantity,” “more than adequate”, and “oversufficient”.  What does that mean? Well, to me, it means that God will give me more life than I know how to handle. He’ll also equip me with what I need to deal with the challenges I face in this earthly world. God will provide an escape when the temptation becomes too great.  He will instill in me a discerning spirit and voice in which to be guided by.  He will be present in all that I do.

I have to learn how to trust in that, instead of believing in the years of lies that I have been ingrained with. It’s those lies that have become my truth and I am just now starting to unravel them. It’s not easy. It’s even harder when you have been let down by the world and the pain within causes you to seek temporal comfort. You see, my personal journey in this life has been to seek the comfort of other human beings. Mostly male. Definitely all very unfulfilling and creating further chasms of unsatisfaction. There is no peace in temporary physical relationships.  I’m learning and while it’s a slow process, I’m starting to shed the negative habits that led me away from God.

There are many things I desire to discuss and bring to light in my life. Where to start? I could discuss the men in my past but first, I need to be honest with myself. I do suck at lying to others but I can lie to myself all day long. It’s because I believe what I’ve been told by those I seek acceptance from. I’m done with the lies. I don’t want to lie to myself anymore, nor do I want to be caught up in the lies of others.

“Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.”  – James 4:7

The biggest lie I believe is what others tell me I am or who I should be or what I need to do.  I recently ended a friendship because I believed that she was supportive of who I am inside. Truth revealed itself, and when I informed her that I was going through a depression, she stated that I was never there when she needed me. She made my depression about her. Her mother recently passed and I dropped everything to be by her side. I left work, picked up some food, and drove straight to her house. This wasn’t the first time. When I needed to talk about my grandmother, it became a conversation about her boyfriend. I’ve been praying for this relationship for a long time. I had been asking God to encourage me to stay friends with her. That wasn’t His answer. The relationship had become toxic and very one-sided; I wasn’t trusting of her nor did I feel I could tell her everything. I had realized that I had stopped telling her things a long time ago. I just let her assume that her thoughts and opinions of what was happening in my life were correct. I never bothered to correct her. I just allowed her to think her thoughts. I never stood up to her. She believes she knows what happened in my marriages. and I didn’t say a single word to her about them. Even my own mother doesn’t know what transpired. I keep certain things to myself, whether they are truth or a lie.

I’m learning to examine the lies and the environment surrounding them. My heart knows TRUTH. It’s time to let the truth out and show the truth I’ve found in God and His Son, Jesus.

Truth #1: Not everything I hear or see is God’s truth.

It is so easy to manipulate and twist the truth into something that creates a magical world for me. It’s so easy to believe that I can exist in the fake world I created for myself and that it brings me joy.  NOPE!  I tend to become consumed by what is going on around me and I allow myself to believe in things which are false. If I am in a relationship, my world is complete. If I do these things to make him happy, I will be happy. If I look this way or that way in my appearance, I will be attractive and attract the right kind of man.  NO!!  Again, this is all wrong.  I’ve put too much stock in human beings, especially men. Men who are not Godly and only want their own pleasures and desires.

I made a very hard decision for myself a few days ago. I decided to step away from all my male relationships. At least all those that are tinged with romance and sexual desire. My prayers have changed too, when I made this decision. I’ve been praying for the strength to say no to my sexual nature. Whoa! Did I just say that? Yes. I want truth and peace more than anything. I’m praying for God to help me during this time. I need help in dealing with the loneliness that comes from not being in a relationship. I have never been single or alone. I’ve been lonely but I also know in the recesses of my mind, I’ve never been alone. God has always been present.

God IS always present.

“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” – Deuteronomy 31:8